Confused –

The episode has ended. I’ve tried to talk about it. I don’t know what to say – I hate myself like this. I don’t know how to change. Nothing seems to help. Maybe I should be turned over to the state and hospitalized, but I doubt they’d do that because the episodes aren’t continuous. Only every 2-3 weeks. So the rest of the time should be fine, right? Live life knowing that “IT” is coming, you just don’t know when. I can’t live with me. How can I expect anyone else to either? And what have I got to look forward to? Research says symptoms tend to lessen during your 40’s. Mine never did and now I’m in my 50’s. Is this pattern to repeat for the next 20, 30 or ever 40 years? What kind of life is that for me or anyone close to me? I’ve ceased to be of benefit to anyone. Enough said.


8 thoughts on “Confused –

  1. This is so sad! 😦 The helplessness is the worst. I feel that a lot too, when I have times of dissociation, I can feel something creep up inside of me from the lower spine and when it reaches my head I get terrible headaches and my thinking abilities decline and then it takes over my mind and gets me in the self-hating mode and wants me to hurt myself. It’s very unpleasant and disturbing. I ended up with my ED rituals to prevent myself from stabbing my hands and forearms. In the past few months it happened every day starting in the later afternoon, and I spent the hours before agitated and frightened. I tried to figure out what exactly was behind it but didn’t get any further with it. What helped me was to accept, OK this is how it is right now, but there are a couple of hours I have every day when it isn’t there. My husband very much encouraged me to practice kindness with myself (I’m not good with that), telling me over and over again that I’m valuable as a person and would do otherwise if I could. Not being able doesn’t mean being bad. It took a couple of weeks to gradually take back control and enlargen the safe time window. Feeling safe is a crucial thing for me, as probably for most people who are traumatized. I’m not done with it but overall the direction is the right one.

    Don’t know whether this helps, but I believe that life is meaningful even if there are repeated times of not being fine. The important thing is to focus on the times that are less burdened, at least that helped me to live with it.

    Wishing you all the best!

    • Thank you so much. My feelings start to Cooke me and everything goes into slow motion. Numb. I wish my husband could say things like that to me, but I don’t think he’s aware that it can help. He doesn’t know what to do. I’m falling – fast.



      • I really wish he could do that! If you can’t validate yourself it’s helpful to have trustworthy others to do that so that you can gradually establish the belief that they’re right and you’re OK. But it’s a thing others can learn, and it’ll help them to understand that it really helps you. Or is there somebody else who can do that for you, like a good friend? I guess the people from the blogging community can also contribute to it. My husband is a psychologist and very empathic so he understands a lot about these things and how to deal with them, but I know that’s an exception. Most people still know very little about mental disorders and, even worse, have very unhelpful beliefs about people who suffer from them. I’ve got to know that a lot myself, too.

  2. Sorry you are feeling so poorly. It’s hard not knowing what the future might bring, and even harder knowing that it might bring more despair and despondency. Know that you are not alone in this fight, and that by posting, you are helping out more people than just yourself. Best always, Rose

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