Crushing feeling inside

Why do some responses, actions and words feel so crushing inside? Things that are really no big deal FEEL huge and overpowering. One just happened. We are setting up some new furniture on our deck. I had repainted a fountain that was in my garden and put it on the deck for the winter. My husband says, “You’re not leaving that on the deck, are you?” Immediately, my insides curl up like I’ve done something terrible. I haven’t, and it’s not a big deal, but I FEEL like it is. I’m wrong in keeping it there. I’ve done something that he didn’t want me to do. I know and understand that my internal over reaction is a part of my BPD extreme sensitivity, but knowing this doesn’t change how I’m feeling. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear  – all because of a simple statement! This hyper sensitivity is what I hate most about my BPD. Knowledge does not quell it. An it can be a factor in an upheaval of raging behavior that has yet to surface, adding on to each little iota of irritation, fear, anxiety or whatever that builds inside of me. Conflict with my world. I feel it in my chest, throat, head – and throughout my body. My head pulls down on my neck, like a turtle trying to withdraw into its shell. My shoulders hunch as my throat sucks in, trying to shrink my body until I disappear. It can make me seek distraction and lack of distraction brings chaos. I feel it swirling, making me curl up inside, wanting to avoid all interactions. How can something so little as a question become so big that it envelopes me completely?

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9 thoughts on “Crushing feeling inside

  1. First of all, that is some beautiful deck furniture and I like the fountain piece, as well. I totally understand what you are saying, and probably would have responded to my significant other with: “Why the f*** wouldn’t I?!?” My mouth gets the better of me, often. And then there would have been a petty little fight, over nothing…nothing. I hate that I am so sensitive and that I internalize every little comment as something negative, as something negative ABOUT me. I am constantly checking in with people because I think they are mad at me. I think this is related. At any rate, I hope you can get into a better space soon. Best always, Rose

  2. Really cool furniture. Aside from us being so sensitive, people can still be rude. That sounds really rude to me. It sounds like something my ex would have said. I would probably leave it there just out of spite, but that’s just me. That’s something that anyone might do.

  3. Ah bummer I just wrote a reply and it disappeared and I’m too tired to reconstruct it.
    Mainly I said that what you describe is a lot what I experience and I can totally empathize.
    Too tired tonight to write more.
    xx

  4. Many of my resentments are one single sentence that really shouldn’t be a big deal, yet, I can hold them and nurse them for years. Sometimes I feel like they serve no purpose than to make me get old faster. I hope this passes for you soon.

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