Email to a friend

I wrote an email to a blogging friend early this morning. Somehow, it turned into a post – so here it is with personal info about people deleted.

Hi, I haven’t read any posts this past week ( other than into paragraph ) but seems you’re in a bad spot. I wish there was something I could offer up to help. I think about you and your journey most every day- even if I’m not able to read your posts. You and Mxxxx.

Having a bit of anxiety myself now. Filling out paperwork for my son to have insurance, even though my husband and I don’t qualify. Something about a thick packet of paperwork puts me over the edge. Only 4 hours sleep because I didn’t take any kind of sedative. Actually got out my exacto knife and washed it in rubbing alcohol to sterilize it. Put it away. Getting anxious about psych appointment next week ( first in over a year +) to be evaluated (again!) for meds (and condition?) Anxious because the last few weeks have been not too bad. What does that mean for me? Better? Yeah, right … That I’m only that much closer to another episode? Probably. And that thought makes me want to isolate myself and turn everyone away. Sink inside. Depressed. But instead, I’ll put on the happy face and try to pretend the anxiety isn’t there. Until it explodes.

My husband thinks that any of my self harm is just for attention. How can that be if each incident is hidden from others? No, it’s not for attention at all. It takes me away from whatever is hurting. Like an escape hatch. The deeper the wound, the better the escape. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole perhaps. But the a new world of disoriented thinking begins.

I’m not needed by my family anymore. I watch their lives going on – completely independent of anything I can provide.

I realize I’m rambling here, and I’ve written more of a post than an email. Sorry about that. I’ve been awake since 2:30 a.m. And feel it. Yet each time that I’ve tried to go back to sleep, I find myself fully awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I hate taking sedatives. It’s easy to want to take more than I need so that I stay asleep.
F#%k!

I might as well copy and paste this as a post, since it’s where I’m at this morning.
Writing this on my phone, just noticed my signature says “Visualize”. I think that’s part of my problem. I visualize too much.

Take care, please! I’ll catch up on your posts this weekend.

Hugs,

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8 thoughts on “Email to a friend

  1. There is a lot of saddness to this.
    Maybe your husband thinking you only self harm for attention is because he can’t bear to feel his own feelings of pain or helplessness about what to do. So it’s a defense mechanism to have that judgement about you. It’s a tragic expression of his own hopelessness…perhaps. Not that it helps anything me saying this.

    but if I felt that my husband only saw my dysfunctional behaviors as “attention seeking” – including an undertone of criticism or making light of it…then I’d be pretty disillusioned too. My husband might have thoughts like that go through his mind but what he says and does shows that he believes in me and wants to support me getting better.

    I wish you didn’t feel that your family doesn’t need you or anything you can provide. Could that be your depression and low self esteem filter? I hope you can really get the help you need soon.

    I don’t feel like what i’m writing is very helpful. I guess I’m just trying to be a friend in the limited way this blogging provides.

    • I’m sure my underlying depression is partly responsible. As I replied to another comment, I’m sure the upcoming empty nest is part of the feeling unneeded too.

      Visualize

      >

  2. I’m very sorry to read you’re in such a bad place – !!! – and I can relate to a lot of what you write. It also makes me sad that your husband thinks of your self-harming as attention-seeking. Mental disorders are painful and torturing, and if that wasn’t enough, they also bring so much invalidation and discrimination by others who don’t understand! I can’t tell anymore how much rejection and damage I’ve taken from other people during the past 20+ years. It’s not fun. 😦 And still these people are important to us, right? Because what we have and what makes us feel meaningful are the relationships with other people, in large part (well, I believe that). How terrible it must be for you to feel you’re family doesn’t need you anymore! However, I believe they do, probably not in the way that you have to do something for them but that you are your son’s mom and your husband’s wife, so you have a place in their lives nobody else can take. Sending you kind thoughts!

  3. Like Gel said above, I also feel what I’ve written isn’t very helpful … 😦 But perhaps it helps a little to know that you aren’t alone with feeling bad about yourself and struggling with mental illness. It’s scary and painful, and that’s your reality and deserves to be accepted and respected.

  4. Thinking of you friend! We all know it’s not for attention and saying that makes it hella worse. That’s why I cherish this online world, and especially you. There are seriously other people like me. Hope the rest of your Friday goes well! Or manageable at the least. Sometimes I’m ok just with manageable.

    • Thanks, M – so far so good. Manageable is good. I don’t know what I’d do with out my blogger friends. I’d feel awfully alone on this journey, for sure.

      Visualize

      >

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