As the weekend ends – feeling fragile

I think I’ve made it through my weekend pretty well. Very little disagreeing with my son. We both worked hard on it. But I am feeling fragile right now. I went to a concert today. Two concert pianists. As the first one started to play, I almost lost it and had a VERY hard time holding back the tears. My dad (who passed away this past May) played the piano. We had a grand piano in our living room the while I was growing up and as long as my parents had their house. It looked a lot like the one at the concert. The sound of the solitary piano filled me with grieving for my dad. I composed myself. The second pianist started playing and I was back in my grief again. Every time I thought of my dad, through the whole concert, I was choking back sobs. Afterwards, I tried to mention it to the friend I was with, because she is aware of how I can be emotionally, but couldn’t because the tears and grief immediately took over. It’s kept me on the edge all evening. Not of self injuring, just emotional frailty. I want to be held and able to cry. But that won’t happen. I talked to my brother on the phone for 45 minutes. How are you doing, he asked. I tried to say something about it, but felt myself slipping. Tears are streaming down my face as I type this now. I’ve dreamt of my dad a lot lately. And the experience of being with him as he died. Loss. Inside, I feel like a little girl whose dad is no longer there for her. Abandonment? I’m 51 years old now. You’d think I’m adult enough not to be this bothered by it, yet I am. I’ve asked my dad to come to me as a ghost if he can. I just don’t want him to be gone. He had a TON of his own issues to deal with, but I always knew he loved me.  

I miss you, Dad. I love you. 

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “As the weekend ends – feeling fragile

  1. There is great beauty in your love for your father. My heart feels with you and I appreciate that you shared this deep feeling and love. There is nothing wrong with having those feelings and letting them out.

    I wish I could hold your hand while you cry.
    It’s painful – all the feelings you are describing and having them come up in a situation where crying wouldn’t feel appropriate. But the fact that you do have deep feelings is – to me – a sign of health. A lot of people can’t even feel these things. And for you to be grieving for your father seems real and it seems like a healing process.

    In my grieving over the deaths of a couple dear people, I found it comes in waves with spaces in between. When one wave is done, I have interpreted that as me being done done with the grieving but then later another wave comes…At first this seemed like a failing…like I was back in the pain and stuck. But now I see that the grief comes in waves.

    This: “I’m 51 years old now. You’d think I’m adult enough not to be this bothered by it, yet I am.” I wish I could wipe away the feeling here that somehow being 51 years old you would not have this level of deep grieving….as if adults shouldn’t feel this deeply. When to me, it is the very essence of emotional healing when the tears and the deep grief come up and out. But I imagine it is hard when it comes up in a situation as you described.

    It also seems natural and right to want to be held while grieving….because this is what we are here for…to help each other bear the incredibly painful stuff.

    Sometimes a therapist can provide the container of safety for this level of emotions when we don’t have it with other people in our lives. Or the Co-counseling I’ve mentioned before.

    I’m proud that you made it through the weekend with very little disgreeing with your son.
    x

  2. C this makes me hurt for you. You haven’t talked much about your dad since his death. Maybe you’ve been dealing with it in your own way and I just don’t have a clue, but I worried about you especially in the months after. You just haven’t talked about how you felt losing him. I’m glad you wrote now.

    I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent to death. I do know what it’s like to lose parents when life changes in an instant and they aren’t who they were anymore. What I’ve been going through with my dad is NOTHING even close, but the little taste I have had is just enough to know that how you’re feeling must be heart wrenching.

    I’m sorry you’re hurting C, I hope allowing yourself to feel and mourn will help. And soon maybe the good memories will be stronger than the sad.

    • Thanks Mandi. I wonder if part of it is realizing how temporary everything in life is. Our lives and those we love. There’s never enough time to say all we want to say whether is about loving, healing or whatever. I dread not being able to see certain people again. Fear.

      Visualize

      >

  3. Very touching post. I can imagine that this situation would have set your emotions and memories going. It’s OK to cry and have emotions, just remember that.

    I am glad you made it through the weekend in one piece!

    • Ps – I think I’m often afraid to let those emotions of grief and loss rise. Especially around others, yet I want to be able to because I want to get some nurturing support and comfort. But who I want it from is not comfortable giving it.

      Visualize

      >

      • I understand your position. It’s happened to me in the past for different reasons. Like when my grandmother passed away, I was 20 years old and living just with my dad. And he was distraught and in a TOTAL mess over what happened. He was smoking weed in order to escape from the feelings and I had no way of getting support myself from anyone because I only had him. So I ended up having to worry more about him than myself and never grieve over the loss.

        So even though it’s a different situation, I understand that you obviously want the support and comfort from someone who unfortunately isn’t able to give it to you… It must be really tough. I’m sorry for that.

      • Thank you for your compassionate words. My husband does support me – but not in a nurturing way as that isn’t the kind of person he is.

        Visualize

        >

      • Well, I guess nobody is perfect, right? All of us are the same… But I do hope that you find this nurturing comfort from other places very soon.

        *Hugs to you*

      • I wonder if it is such a strong desire/need for me because my mom has never been demonstrative with her love ( even though she lives me unconditionally) it is hard for her to hug or say “I love you.” So I look to my husband , you does say “I love you,” but isn’t comfortable with the physical either.

        Visualize

        >

      • I’d say that’s most likely the case.

        Oh how I seek that too. Just a little ‘I love you’ or affection from my other family members. My mum never showed love too so it’s missing from my life too. Therefore of course anyway naturally you would want this from your husband, but because of your mum, even more so.

        Sending you virtual warm hugs my friend.

  4. I just found your blog and this is the first post I read, maybe it seems like I’m just a stranger coming around the corner to mind your business, but please know I mean the words I say.
    I think it’s completely normal your memory is triggered by such things and it’s okay to cry and feel sad, or relive beautiful memories because of that. It might be so harsh and awful to face the sadness and grief and loss and to actually feel it and feel the need to cry and be comforted and be heard. I think that’s a normal, human reaction, a reaction that’s okay. That has nothing to do with age, experience, wisdom. Grieving is part of processing, part of life, and feeling abandoned is nothing strange or to be ashamed of. I hope you’ll be able to cherish memories and be able to handle or deal with your incredible grief and sadness and you have people around you to reach out to when it’s getting hard. I’m sorry to read you’re hurting so much, and I truly hope you’ll be able to give it a place (as far as possible) I’m also glad to read you were able to get through the weekend, I hope you’ll get through this week smoothly as well 🙂 Take care! Love always, Isadoore

    • Thank you Isadore. I appreciate your king and understanding comment. I will be spending Thanksgiving with my brother and sister and I’m sure there will be lots of memories, laughter – and crying. I’m trying to be ok with letting friends see my grief and not try to deny it so much. So far the week has gone well. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s