Feeling discouraged and hopeless

So I’ve gotten a part time job as a teacher aide, when I was a special education teacher with a Masters degree, and am having days when I feel THIS is too much! I don’t spend much time in the classroom – and then I don’t seem to be much help. Recess is …. Not what you might think. Especially the day before a camp out! I’ll be staying back to work in the office.

Will I ever be able to teach special Ed again? I hope so. Small groups.

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15 thoughts on “Feeling discouraged and hopeless

  1. It does sound like you feel discouraged. Is that because the job is not what you expected/wanted?
    Is it because you have a Masters and the job doesn’t match your qualifications? Is it a situation where you have to put in the time doing a job you’re over qualified for and kind of “pay your dues” so to speak and then maybe later you’ll get a better position?

    From my perspective you’ve come so far from where you were when you felt you needed a job and didn’t have one. I admire your perseverance.

    • The job is what I expected, and a foot in the door for a possible teaching position next year. But it is VERY hard to be so hand off from teaching when you’re there, but are mostly needed for recess. I’m also wondering if I’ll be mentally able to teach again. Every day finds me feeling vulnerable and struggling with interpersonal relationships there. It’s my perspective that hampers me, I know.

      Visualize

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  2. Good job taking the position with the goal of going full time again. That shows perseverance, which may help you adapt to teaching again. I think you have much to offer.

  3. Yes. Well done for taking the job. It can be annoying to have to work your way up or to get your foot on the door for other things but I wish you the best and hope you will stick with it and it will be worth it in the end. You deserve it.

  4. You just started this job. You need to give it time. A big part of BPD is difficulty with interpersonal relationships and now you’re surrounded by people. It’s going to feel weird and uncomfortable. At least until you find your balance.

  5. I can’t imagine having to fall back and let someone else tell me what to do when odds are, at one time I knew what to do more than they do. For me it would be really hard not knowing if I could mentally step back into the role I used to play even if I had the opportunity.

    I feel like here in the online world people are a lot better about validating, like most of the comments above. When everything with me most recently started, I didn’t feel like anyone (in the “real” world) validated the fact that what I was going through f’ing sucked. I just wanted someone to say “man that must be really hard!”. Without, at that moment, following it up with a “but you should really…”. I felt pushed to look at everything through rose colored glasses. I feel that pretending and pushing (depending on circumstances and to differing degrees) does a hell of a lot more harm than it does good. Especially with BPD.

    I don’t know if that’s how you feel, I know it’s different because you do have certain standards that those you work with expect, but I wanted to tell you that I’m really glad you wrote honestly without sugar coating. I’m sorry that things suck.

    You ARE an amazing person doing a job MANY people couldn’t or shouldn’t do. No matter what happens and in what timeline… I’m always on team Catherine! 🙂

    • Thanks Mandi! You do t know how much that means to me. I don’t feel I can let anyone at work know how I feel (and frankly, no one’s ever asked how is going at this job.) I let rambunctious kids get under my skin and can feel that confrontational challenge. It’s hard to maintain focus at times. These last two days of working in the office have been great. One more day of it. The special Ed teacher has been showing me some of what she does … In hopes? You are right about our online community validating more. Visualize

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      • I’m glad you have one more day in the office, it seems like perfect timing. I know it’s hard for us to see positive qualities in ourselves, I bet the teacher sees things in you that you might not!

        I love Matt (12, extreme autism +) but when he throws his plate across the room, somehow figures out how to open and empty a drawer, jump a fence and run across town before you can blink… AHH!!! I respect the fact that you are able to be there in such an INTENSE environment a TON! I highly doubt many with BPD could do it. I can imagine it would be really hard not to let the kids get under your skin. My focus would be on pushing kids out of the way to get to the door. Probably screaming profanities. Which makes me feel terrible but my mind would explode. You are a valuable commodity!

      • Thanks Mandi. Odd thing is that when the behaviors are due to a disability, I remain calm like a fog. But when it’s just kids being obnoxious and rude or disrespectful, I get pulled into the confrontation! Go figure?

        Visualize

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