Preparing for the rest of my assessment

I just go home from work (I’ve been working for a month now) and have the rest of my assessment by the county clinician this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression has surfaced since I returned to work. It’s a simple job, yet I don’t feel I’m doing very well. Constantly being “corrected” it seems, though probably not as often as it feels. I feel like I’m losing what spark I had in me. Falling flat. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this. Without therapy, I ignore my illness while it’s behaving itself and staying hidden, not abusing myself or exploding at others. That hasn’t worked. So, I have to live with all the emotions right at the surface, staying there because I’m trying to do something about them. Without hurting myself. I really want to self medicate right now. Stuff it all down under numbness. So much pretending that my life is ok! It’s exhausting! My life is filled with blessings in the people who care about me. But I still fall apart at the slightest conflict. I feel very incapable. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated.

4 thoughts on “Preparing for the rest of my assessment

  1. Do you have to work? No matter how much I think I can work sometimes, my pdoc and my therapist don’t think I’m ready. When I’m level headed realize they are right. Instead I was convinced to take a class or two at a community college. I’m making it through okay but occasionally have meltdowns. I can work through hem with classes but would not have that luxury if I was working.

    I hope your appointment goes well.

    • I don’t know if I have to work, I want to. But I know I’m not up to working full time, or as a teacher again – yet. I don’t know if I’ll be able to again. I hope do, but I’m too easily triggered right now. I need to find peace with what I’m doing at this time. Some days, it’s really tough to go so though. Still don’t have insurance do I’m feeling really guilty about not having gotten a job that affords it. Ashamed that I can’t go what I used to do very well.

  2. Gosh everything you say is sounds so familiar. Especially the parts about not feeling capable to work and feeling shame about not pulling my weight financially. I easily go into a downward spiral over this stuff. I really want to use my coping mechanism too, and I know it would only make things worse. I don’t have answers. But I do know that talking about it is better. Maybe not the solution but it’s towards a better way.
    So I appreciate you writing about this.
    And this: “I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this.” It seems that to be working on the stuff, requires going down into the yucky stuff…I don’t mean going down into the yucky stuff like collapsing or letting myself spiral out of control…you probably know what I mean. But working on it is so hard and takes so much energy that it seem impossible to also have the kind of demeanor you need to “work” in the real world.

    Ahg!…I don’t think I’m writing anything helpful or that you don’t already know. I’m a lot in the same place. All I can say is ” I understand”.

    • Thanks Gel. Knowing there are others out there who feel similar and have understanding really helps me know I’m not alone. I’m really glad I have this blog to share my thoughts, fears …

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