Good for awhile, then falling (failing?)

I’ve been very anxious since my last meltdown (last Thursday), finding myself avoiding on lots of fronts. I’m back to not sleeping well again, and wake up thinking about my last job. I don’t know if my going back to work is triggering things or not, but it doesn’t feel good. I’m calling the county mental health department today to see if they have anyone who works on a reduced fee schedule. Still no insurance, but most psych’s out here don’t seem to take insurance anyways. I’ve been using up old scripts of friends, since mine have all run out. Not cool, I know, but it’s what I have. 
Then again, I wonder – because nothing ever seems to really make a difference: therapy, medications … Once I’m triggered, I’m over the edge. I don’t want to kill myself. I want this to be gone. I want to see and experience happiness, and bring happiness to others. My family. 
I feel the heavy wrappings of depression hovering near. Moments of levity are precious. Then, with silence and time, the lights darken and my heart and soul become heavy again. 
Every time I fall into BPD behaviors and thinking, I feel like I’ve failed. It’s still here. A curse.

12 thoughts on “Good for awhile, then falling (failing?)

  1. I’m thinking of you. Wishing it would be easier. Hang in there.
    If you ever consider a gut healing connection to your mental difficulties I’d be happy to share thoughts on how to do it. (I’m not a health care professional but have experience with this avenue and could share ideas. It’s not easy but it’s less expensive than meds/therapists and more healing than bandaids)

      • Every little bit helps. Keifer occasionally probably isn’t enough for depthfull gut healing. but I don’t mean to push. Just offering if it ever feels like a good thing to try on a more extensive level. I know how difficult it is to try to change and use the mind for things when you’re mind is stressed out and struggling. Hopefully my comments come in as supportive, not as pressure or “shoulds”.

  2. You haven’t failed. It’s true to say that of course we need to put in our own efforts in order to get better but we can’t do this by ourselves.

    After reading about DBT for example, it says that we need to practise ‘Radical Acceptance’. Meaning that we need to accept the way we are feeling and know that it will pass. When we fight the way we are feeling it often makes us feel worse and more wound up and can prolong the suffering. Alongside ‘Radical Acceptance’ we can use coping statements like ‘I’ve been through this before and it will pass’.

    I know it’s easier said than done and I, myself come back at these techniques and say ‘but’ this and ‘but’ that. I haven’t really managed to put these things in to practice for myself but its something I hope to be able to share with you that could possibly help you even a tiny bit and I’ll keep up trying to work on this too.

    Feel better. We’re listening. X

  3. I’m just crawling out of a downturn. Sometimes when we try to struggle against it, it can make us feel a lot worse. I’ve just been writing about this. I’m lucky to have access to support and meds. My concern would be that you run out of the meds.

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