I’ve been very anxious since my last meltdown (last Thursday), finding myself avoiding on lots of fronts. I’m back to not sleeping well again, and wake up thinking about my last job. I don’t know if my going back to work is triggering things or not, but it doesn’t feel good. I’m calling the county mental health department today to see if they have anyone who works on a reduced fee schedule. Still no insurance, but most psych’s out here don’t seem to take insurance anyways. I’ve been using up old scripts of friends, since mine have all run out. Not cool, I know, but it’s what I have.
Then again, I wonder – because nothing ever seems to really make a difference: therapy, medications … Once I’m triggered, I’m over the edge. I don’t want to kill myself. I want this to be gone. I want to see and experience happiness, and bring happiness to others. My family.
I feel the heavy wrappings of depression hovering near. Moments of levity are precious. Then, with silence and time, the lights darken and my heart and soul become heavy again.
Every time I fall into BPD behaviors and thinking, I feel like I’ve failed. It’s still here. A curse.