Crashing Inside – when I should be happy

A depressed Tom on the railroad tracks awaitin...

A depressed Tom on the railroad tracks awaiting a train to run him over. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)  This is how I feel

I should be happy, but I’m not. I’ve just returned home after being gone almost three weeks. The drive of the last four days, with my teenage son, went well. Very little arguing. I’m home.

But for some reason, my insides feel devastated, crumbling, dust ready to blow away in the wind.

I wish I could write more about it, but I can’t. I can’t let the feelings out or they will consume me.


14 thoughts on “Crashing Inside – when I should be happy

  1. I think what you are feeling is quite normal … coming back from any adventure can be hard as “real life” sudden;y hits you like a brick wall … tugging at all our insides … breath deep and take a step back … a cup of tea and a deep sigh, maybe a hug and tomorrow things will seem a little different

    • Thanks Jensine … perhaps you are right. But nurturing hugs are few around here. I’ll have to give it to myself. I need an item like your sugar bowl to help me find my center again. My source.

  2. Sorry to read that you feel this way. Hang in there and just feel what you feel. Breathe and smile if you can. If there is anything about the trip you enjoyed, just think of that as much as you are able to. You said it went well, right =)

  3. Ughhh… I’m sorry.

    I’ve been amazed at how well you’ve held it all together. Not long after we connected you were starting to plan the move out here, all the mixed feelings especially as far as leaving your parents. You get settled into a new house across the country, different and not only just the climate! You have a teenage son who is in the middle of tons of emotional/physical changes himself, you look for a job without luck, have ups and downs, you and your husband have ups and downs (your husband has his own ups and downs), your dad passes away, you get the job you’ve been looking for, and now all of this with your mom (emotional and physical). All above would be difficult for ANYONE! Let alone someone with BPD. If I were in your shoes I would be sick and crumbled. I have a really hard time just coming home. It’s like this escape from the regular, the real world. And then all in a minute I walk back inside and it hits me. And that’s without all the really hard things you’ve dealt or are dealing with!

    I don’t think you “should be happy”. I think you should just be you. All different sides of you. Unfortunately this is the side that NO ONE wants to experience. I think you’ve done amazing. I’m sure it’s nearly impossible to see that right now. But others see it in you.

    Will be thinking of you!

    • Thanks Mandi. I know I need to just be … but that’s really uncomfortable. Everyone here thinks that I’m strong … it’s all a facade, as you know. Maybe I’ll feel better after I start working. I’ll be able to lose myself a little in it.

  4. I’m very sorry to hear that! Probably it was the overwhelming intensity of emotions from the past three weeks that now came down on you? It’s like when you push for some time and feel fine while doing so, but along the way it happens that you push yourself over the edge without noticing, and then suddenly when it’s over and you don’t have to push anymore you break together. I very much hope you’ve found relief by now!

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