Screaming Inside or Should I Just Disappear

Floor Drain

Floor Drain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just want to disappear down the drain sometimes.

Screaming inside! I REALLY want to hurt myself right now- more than I have in a very long while. Instead, I cut branches off of trees, taking chances as to where and how I did it. But after over an hour of cutting branches, I still want to hurt myself.

I did do some cutting when I just took a shower. Nothing drastic, still  cutting though.

Why?????

Arguing with my 17 year old. Upcoming psychiatric evaluation. No luck in finding a job.

The pinched nerve in my elbow ( at least for the past 2 months) is bugging me and I really want to push it to the point of snapping. I want to take all kinds of physical chances withy body. Drugs, alcohol, physical risks. I want to shave all the hair off my head – just because and for something to be DRASTIC! I feel very passive aggressive . I took away my son’s iTouch and keep trying different pass codes to unlock it. I don’t really care if I do and would almost like for it to permanently be disabled. He keeps blaming me for everything that how’s wrong in his life, why not this too?

I REALLY want to cut myself. Maybe if I use the chainsaw, I’ll slip. I was away from home about a month+, and there was NO arguing here. As soon as I returned – bam it was back. It’s me, all me. I make home life miserable for all three of us. Even if they don’t say it, I’m sure Dave and Peter wish I wasn’t here. I always seem to find a way to make our relationships worse. For some reason, as soon as things seem good – I find a way to make them bad. Why the Hell am I like this????? Even if I say something with no animosity, the tension is still there.

They’d be better off without me. I mess up everything at home and I doubt either is ever happy to see me. I feel like I’m always trying to do something as a peace offering, to make amends – before I’ve even done anything.

I want to live a full life, but it often feels like the world would be better off without me.

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9 thoughts on “Screaming Inside or Should I Just Disappear

  1. Oh this is sad to hear dear lady.
    I found myself thinking that it can’t all be you…the difficulties at home. There might be some truth in it – about ways you provoke stuff but in all relationships there are two contributors (in this case 3), and sometimes it will appear that one person is the primary instigator but there can be this thing where everyone is contributing a part to the problem but one person just seems to be the flash point. I know that probably doesn’t help.

    I hope you can find some other ways to cope than the self hurting.

    I wish I could offer something helpful.

    • Thanks Gel. Today is better so far. I think a lot of it is anxiety. Psych eval tomorrow, no luck in finding work, afraid of what will happen if I do get a job. I really hoped that cutting branches would help diffuse my impulses and I wouldn’t cut yesterday, but it wasn’t enough.

  2. Don’t let disease give you bad ideas. The external is not real. What’s real is the goodness of your soul. Your disease is trying to fool you with ideas that are not true. Hang tough knowing you are a good person.

  3. Wish we were just a few hours closer so we could go do something wild and crazy and hope it makes both of us feel better. Even for a little while. Remember when your son asked you to watch a movie with you in his bedroom? He needs you to watch more movies. Thinking about you

    • Thanks Mandi. Yesterday was ok, but I’m about to leave for my eval and I’m scared. I hope they can help me with my meds in some way. I wish we were closer to, but road trip may be in order!

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