Screaming Inside or Should I Just Disappear

Floor Drain

Floor Drain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just want to disappear down the drain sometimes.

Screaming inside! I REALLY want to hurt myself right now- more than I have in a very long while. Instead, I cut branches off of trees, taking chances as to where and how I did it. But after over an hour of cutting branches, I still want to hurt myself.

I did do some cutting when I just took a shower. Nothing drastic, still  cutting though.

Why?????

Arguing with my 17 year old. Upcoming psychiatric evaluation. No luck in finding a job.

The pinched nerve in my elbow ( at least for the past 2 months) is bugging me and I really want to push it to the point of snapping. I want to take all kinds of physical chances withy body. Drugs, alcohol, physical risks. I want to shave all the hair off my head – just because and for something to be DRASTIC! I feel very passive aggressive . I took away my son’s iTouch and keep trying different pass codes to unlock it. I don’t really care if I do and would almost like for it to permanently be disabled. He keeps blaming me for everything that how’s wrong in his life, why not this too?

I REALLY want to cut myself. Maybe if I use the chainsaw, I’ll slip. I was away from home about a month+, and there was NO arguing here. As soon as I returned – bam it was back. It’s me, all me. I make home life miserable for all three of us. Even if they don’t say it, I’m sure Dave and Peter wish I wasn’t here. I always seem to find a way to make our relationships worse. For some reason, as soon as things seem good – I find a way to make them bad. Why the Hell am I like this????? Even if I say something with no animosity, the tension is still there.

They’d be better off without me. I mess up everything at home and I doubt either is ever happy to see me. I feel like I’m always trying to do something as a peace offering, to make amends – before I’ve even done anything.

I want to live a full life, but it often feels like the world would be better off without me.

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