Fear and Loathing

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The river of life

I’m not at home right now. I had to return to my parents’. My dad is failing – as in death. I fear his death. His body has gone through hell over the years and it is a miracle that he is still alive. I loath this whole situation. My mom needs me, though, and I am and will be here for her. I love them both very much. This is a difficult part of life. A part I’ve never dealt well with. Mortality. There’s no coming back once the line has been crossed. I’m glad I never crossed it during any of my struggles.

This situation has caused me to reflect on all of my suicidal ideation episodes. I feel horrible about the emotional pain I have put others through over the years. I feel very calm about where we are at with my dad. He seems to be at peace and all that is left is tiredness. The hourglass has almost emptied. I’m confused by my calmness. All of my BPD seems absent. Am I in shock? I just don’t know.

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2 thoughts on “Fear and Loathing

  1. It’s good to hear from you. It’s a sad time though. The passing from living to death is a HUGE passage. To be calm in the face of it…..might that be because it is such a huge event that being fully present is the best way to be? Perhaps any stresses or reactions are respectfully standing aside to allow you to be really present to your Dad….just one perspective.

    That’s kind of how I felt when my sister was dieing from cancer. I wanted to be with her – to be present- so as to make the best use of the little time we had left. Later – after she died, I had other deep feelings to deal with. Or maybe it was a kind of shock…but I usually think of shock as more like a freeze than presence.

    I had a very low time in my life right after I got sober and I really wanted to be dead. But what stopped me from planning suicide was knowing how much it would hurt my dear husband. I also had a dear beloved friend commit suicide many years ago. It really shook me to my core. Suicide is huge in it’s impact on other people. It was good to care about others’ well being even if I didn’t want to care about my life.

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