Feeling Pretty Good – or am I deluding myself?

Hi everyone. I realize I haven’t posted in about a month. Nothing wrong, just busy with life and feeling better than I have in a very long time. Have I reached a state of some sort of balance? I sure hope so. I still don’t have a job, but the search continues. 

With my BPD seeming under control, I’ve begun examining my weight issues. I haven’t been thin for twenty years … I don’t seem to be able to “diet” so I started looking at emotional underpinnings of my weight. What might happen is I lost weight and was thin again? Scary thought!

I’ve always had a fear of abandonment – that my husband would decide that he no longer wanted to be with me, and then I would be ALONE. I was doing a writing assignment that asked what I might be afraid of if I lost the weight or what it might be protecting me from. I talked it through with a friend and had some realizations: 

When I was thin, men paid A LOT more attention to me. During a time when things weren’t very close between my husband and myself, this lead to a situation I’m not proud of and felt very guilty about. SHAME. Would that happen again? Would it bring about the abandonment that I fear so strongly? Would he not want to be with me? Or me him? God, I hope not! I love my husband deeply and sincerely. Either way, they are thoughts that are difficult to voice and even harder to try and answer. 

I also had an experience this past weekend that I didn’t like seeing … my full body in a mirror (as opposed to just my head and shoulders in the bathroom mirror.) I was at a yoga and meditation retreat on Sunday. An hour and a half of gentle yoga, 45 minutes of mindfulness meditation, lunch, repeat. As the day was ending, I saw myself in the mirror and was horrified at how huge I am, not just compared to the others in attendance either. My mind’s view of myself is so different, night and day. I should have been clued in by how much flexibility I’ve lost and how much harder some things are to do these days. But denial has been deep. I could barely hold back from breaking into tears at what I saw  – the truth. And the truth hurts. 

Even though my mental state is better than it has been in years, I have build up a, literally, huge wall around myself over the past twenty years – since treatment for bulimia and coming clean to my husband about myself. So now what do I do? I want my body to reflect the person I see in my mind’s eye, not a wallowing body of whatever I may be hiding or hiding from. But how? And who will support me in THIS journey? 

As I discussed the writing question, mentioned above, with my friend, she challenged me. She observed how analytical I get about myself. It’s an endless chatter in my head that I haven’t been able to stop. I can do words really well. I’ve mentioned that to more than one counselor. I know the things to say. It’s the doing that I have trouble with. 

Anyways, that’s where I’m at right now. Thanks for reading and helping me get back into my blog. 

I usually try to include a picture with each post. I don’t want to add another one of me though. This one is of an orchid rock rose growing in my garden. I think it’s beautiful. The petals are like tissue paper and only last a day. 

Image

 

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8 thoughts on “Feeling Pretty Good – or am I deluding myself?

  1. I’m glad you wrote!

    I’ve been wishing lately that there was a way for me to see myself as others see me. I want to know how I really look. You know how you see someone sometimes with way too much blue eyeshadow and it’s just kinda sad because you see the eyeshadow is taking away from the beauty of the person? I would want to know that kind of stuff.

    I could be way off, but It seems like weight itself is a form of punishment. You look in the mirror and it hurts you. You hate the way you feel physically, you hate the lack of self esteem. Maybe you think you deserve to feel that way? Maybe there’s a fear of more positive change? I don’t have a CLUE. Just my first thoughts.

    I’ll email you some pictures of me which are pretty much guaranteed to make you feel better! 🙂

    • You’re right about the weight being another form of self-punishment. A psychologist pointed that out to me (well, the bulimia mostly) but I see the whole thing as another way to punish myself, build up walls, hide.

  2. It’s so good to hear from you. Yes that flower is lovely!
    It’s also good to hear that you’ve had a span of time of balance and feeling better.

    I can really relate to thinking and knowing, but having a harder time putting things into action. That is a huge issue for me. The only way I’ve been able to get a little progress with that is to take the tiniest step. And it’s amazing how when I think I am taking a tiny step and I fail to follow through, then realize I have to make it an even smaller step. but that has helped in making progress. And that helps with self esteem.

    About your weight….That is hard. Not only how emotionally painful it is but it’s probably an impact on your health too. I also have picture of how my face looks that is a lot younger. And when I look in the mirror and see my aging and see that the sad expression it’s surprising and disappointing.

    Its sounds good that you are willing to examine your underlying emotions about your weight and what purpose it might be serving to hold onto it. What came up for me when you said “I don’t seem to be able to “diet””….was – are you giving up on dietary changes so easily? If changes in eating habits hasn’t worked, is it because you try to do it alone? I have a relative who has problems with candida and she just found a program that she gets a coach on line to help her go through a food plan to help get rid of excess candida. I thought it was really smart to have a coach. When I cant’ get myself to do something I feel is right for me, that’s when I need outside help, or a buddy system. We aren’t meant to do some things alone.

    Sending good wishes your way.

  3. I don’t even know how I finished up right here, but I assumed this submit was good. I do not understand who you’re however certainly you’re going to a well-known blogger if you are not already. Cheers!

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