Crashing after a LONG good spell (Needing to vent a little here)

Rock and a hard place

I feel like the little rock – caught between two others, trying to maintain my balance. How long can I?

Let me just say up front that I know my life is hunky-dorey compared to many of my virtual friends. I really don’t have a D*#M thing to complain about. But here I am, venting in a post after I haven’t written anything for several weeks. I’ll be surprised and happy if anyone even bothers to read this. I know it may sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself, and I’m trying to avoid that cop out. I realize that I am the only one who can change anything about me. I am trying to.

I’m struggling with how to express how I’m feeling right now. Not Good just doesn’t cut it. It’s pissing me off because over the past month, I’ve felt better than I have in over a year or two.

I don’t feel like I fit in with my family (my husband and son.) Maybe that’s a male vs female thing? But what I do know is that my husband shared just how depressed he’s become over the past year or so. Maybe much longer, and I have to feel that me and my crap has played SOME part in that. And my son is repressing feelings from his girlfriend breaking up with him and it’s caused physical problems with exhaustion, weakness and heart palpitations to the point that he’s missed a bunch of school – again. SO, I am trying to be as supportive to them both as I can … yet everything I do seems wrong (at least to me.) I end up pushing my son to talk. I’m f#@king scared of what to say to my husband about anything, even if it’s something like “I’d like to paint the bedroom.” I’m picking on them both (even when I hold the words back, the thoughts are still in my head) about the tiniest sh#t that was asked to be done and/or didn’t get done.

And I’m feeling HORRIBLE about my physical self. I have to sleep using a cpap machine (just call me Darth Vader) or I snore enough to wake up the neighborhood. And I’ve gotten huge! We were being intimate last night and he wanted me to get on top. I told him I couldn’t. I felt like there was no way. I’d had a big supper, way too much. I really wanted to throw up and even went into the bathroom to do so. But I didn’t. I stopped myself, realizing that it would be another form of self harm. And I’ve not done that for a few months now.

I just want to pull off my head and put it on another body … a different body. I guess I’m acting like I’m feeling better … but it’s just repressing and exhibiting in other ways.

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6 thoughts on “Crashing after a LONG good spell (Needing to vent a little here)

  1. Dang i’m sorry C! Maybe this is a short low. I wish I knew what to say about your husband and son. I guess just that I’m glad you’re writing and if u need to vent I’m here!

  2. You start your post by invalidating yourself. “I don’t have a thing to complain about.” Try tending to and befriending yourself. Tell yourself that you are feeling really bad right now and that it will be alright. Remind yourself that you have gotten out of rough spots in the past. Accept that you are having a rough time right now, but also remind yourself that this, too, shall pass. Be gentle and kind with yourself right now rather than shaming and judging. This will begin to build positive momentum. Instead of trying to force your son to talk, tell him that you are here for him when he is ready. I am glad that you did not throw up or resort to self harm, that is just adding injury to the wonderful small child in you that you need to comfort and heal. Life ebbs and flows. Be gentle with yourself when you are in the valley and you will soon enjoy the time on the mountain again.

    • Thanks, I didn’t mean to invalidate, but to recognize that in the midst of this – I know I have very good things going on as well. Habit I guess. I got through the wanting to self harm by self talk. And that’s hard to do. So much easier to just react to the feelings, even though I know I would have felt lighter after throwing up.

  3. You are letting it out. I think it’s really valid to say what you really feel, even if other things in your life are good. I also appreciate your honesty about personal/intimate things that are difficult. I hope it gets better for you though too.

    It has been a while since you wrote here. I’m thinking of you and it’s good to hear from you. If there’s any way that I can be of support let me know.

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