I’ve felt better lately than I’ve felt in well over a year. Not sure why. Maybe all the stress from my last year or two has finally dissipated. I’m glad for whatever reason. It’s allowed me to be emotionally available for my son as his girlfriend breaks up with him, yet again and probably for good. Last night, he asked me to hang out with him, in his room, and watch a movie. I cherished it. Sometimes you just want to be with someone that you know loves you unconditionally. Mom love. So, we watched one of those feel-good cartoon movies. Very calming.
I know there are many people out there, healthy or mentally ill, who haven’t had or have a mother who loves them unconditionally, and I feel very sad about that. It really is a loss. My son and I argue – a LOT! He’s almost seventeen, and we’re both stubborn. But even in the midst of a huge argument, I know that I can stop and tell him that I love him, and he will say that he loves me too. To me, that speaks volumes about unconditional love between a parent and child. I know that he has no doubt that he is loved and valued, just because he “is.” For me, always having a very low self esteem, it says that I have accomplished a major goal in parenting. And it helps me feel better about myself.
That grain of feeling better about my self will hopefully flourish and grow and be able to feed me in having the strength of resolve to make other positive changes in my life. The positive changes that I’m addressing are finding a job that respects and honors me as a valuable person, and taking better care of myself through addressing emotional eating, exercising more and in constructive ways for weight loss and making healthier food choices (and choices in general.) I’m fifty and have at least eighty pounds that I’d like to lose. I’m going to do something scary here and show three pictures of me: thin ( 2 @ twenty years ago) and fat (current picture.) I’m not sure quite how I lost control of my weight over the years, but I hate the way my body feels now. I need to appreciate and love myself, respect and take care of myself so that I can be at my best – and fully be there for those I love.