Today I’m trying to numb out with sleeping pills. I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs – nothing. Alsto trying to work with the county social worker to see if I can get any help. I had contacted my old psychiatrist for help and he politely said “NO”. I sent 2 different applications verifications in to the country social worked, and they were wrong. She found a link to what she thinks is the correct application for me to fill out and I’ve been working on it. First was unemployment insurance. Then that didn’t seem right so I worked on  the one for disabilities. When I submitted it, I got a message that I needed to talk to a specialist to finish it. I’ve now been on hold for a  LONG time. Getting worried. My social worker here needs the confirmation by 3:00 today. The people in WI will only be available for the next hour because of the time difference.

Red Tape: The Government Grind

I really want to go into a deep sleep and hope this all passes. Took 3 sleeping pills and now have a strong drink. Slept for a little bit before I got the call from the social worker. So now I’m in a kind of haze as I try to do this. Want to go back to sleep. Just keep feeling that now matter what I say, the answer will not be helpful. If I’m asleep, I don’t think about it. Well not exactly. I dream about needing to find a job with insurance. But I’m too over qualified for anything I think I can handle right now. It’s hard enough for people who aren’t struggling to make their way through all the red tape. How do they expect anyone who can’t focus or make reasonable jusdgements to do it?

I’m not feeling terrible right now, just SO tired of being like this and always living in fear of when my BPD will rear its ugly head and wreck havoc in my life and those of my family. There are so few people that I feel I can talk to honestly about it.  I never feel like I can alk without feeling huge shame – and feeling that they can’t understand me. I’ve heard the words “don’t do that to yourself!” so many times I can’t count. And I never trust that people really want to know what is gong on with me. It’s too uncomfortable for them since they really can’t do anything to help me with it. So much of it is internalized and only comes out at home – except for when I was freaking out and cutting while at work last year.

Still on hold …When this ends, I may need another pill. My sleep has been pretty crappy lately.



  1. I’m OK with listening to you say it like it really is. It might evoke feelings in me, but I won’t judge you.

    I think it is tremendously important to have places, where you can be honest and someone(s) who can listen to you with compassion. So you’ve created this blog and are using it. That seems really good. It sounds like you want more (need more) help than this blog and readers can give. But maybe it helps a little.

    Bravo for continuing to take positive actions for your life by looking for a job. To me the effort is healthy but I sometimes worry that it might be too stressful for you at this time. But I hardly know you. You know a zillion times more than anyone as to what you need. The effort you’re making is healthy I think.

    Sending good wishes your way.

    • Thanks for your concern Gel. I’m just trying to be honest. I’m not trying to do anything to myself except have some escape through some sleep – for a bit a time out from it. After I sent in 2 applications, that were both wrong, the social worker looked up and emailed me the one I needed to use. She is trying to help me. I’m still afraid that I’ll be told NO, but what can I do? Red Tape is not always pretty or helpful. Keep your fingers crossed that the application I finally sent her was the correct one!

  2. I HATE it when I write a response then click something and for whatever reason it goes away. AHH!

    Anyway. Please be careful! I know, I’m the most hypocritical person I know! 🙂 My aunt had BPD, she died mixing sleep meds with alcohol. I would give most anything to have her here now. Someone who grew up with MY family who also has BPD. We talked a lot about everything. The one person who understood me the very most. I’m probably the person who understood her the most to.

    Well, you mean a heck of a lot to me too. So just drink a whole bunch without the meds. Even if you run down the street naked or, like my mother in law, call everyone you know in a drunken stupor. At least it would make for a great blog post right!

    • Thanks Mandi …I’m still here. Got into a huge fight with my son when he came home from school – blaming me for something that was lost. I don’t think I lost it, but my guild kicked in. I cut. I did sleep a ton today – most of it. Only one drink. Still here though. UGH!!! I hate it when my responses get lost again and again before I get them posted.

      • I did it again. I’m so pissed off. I’m not going to remember what I wrote. I’m sure it was very insightful and inspiring.

        I’m hoping you wont beat yourself up over cutting. It happens. But the further and further apart between times I think breaks the addiction.

        Are you going through SSDI for disability benefits?

      • Can I add something here too?….Mandi your line… “But the further and further apart between times I think breaks the addiction.” I think this so true…at least for me. Tho I don’t cut. I have a different addiction ~ bulimia. But I’ve been practicing post poning the episodes and very gradually making the time between episodes longer and it is working to weaken and I hope complete break the addiction. So I just wanted to add my voice to that one. It’s hard to feel good about a little post ponement when I still do the behavior. But over time it is weakening.

        One thing I think is super important ~ at the same time as I’ve been post poning, I’m also working hard in therapy and doing other things to build skills and alternatives to the addiction. At least for me that seems to be equally important.


  3. With addiction, bulimia, cutting or whatever- I don’t know that it’s ever broken. What therapists have said, and I’ve found to be true, is that if/when you return to it you are back at the level you were at when you last engaged in the behavior (10 years of abstenence doesn’t take you back to when you never did it or first did it, you go back to that point 10 years earlier. Right where you left off. ) I went more than 20 years without cutting. It was not like starting over, just continuing. The only thing that stopped my purging was searing pain in my chest when I did, and having a harder and harder time getting it to work. Addiction sucks – for life!

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