Today I’m trying to numb out with sleeping pills. I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs – nothing. Alsto trying to work with the county social worker to see if I can get any help. I had contacted my old psychiatrist for help and he politely said “NO”. I sent 2 different applications verifications in to the country social worked, and they were wrong. She found a link to what she thinks is the correct application for me to fill out and I’ve been working on it. First was unemployment insurance. Then that didn’t seem right so I worked on the one for disabilities. When I submitted it, I got a message that I needed to talk to a specialist to finish it. I’ve now been on hold for a LONG time. Getting worried. My social worker here needs the confirmation by 3:00 today. The people in WI will only be available for the next hour because of the time difference.
I really want to go into a deep sleep and hope this all passes. Took 3 sleeping pills and now have a strong drink. Slept for a little bit before I got the call from the social worker. So now I’m in a kind of haze as I try to do this. Want to go back to sleep. Just keep feeling that now matter what I say, the answer will not be helpful. If I’m asleep, I don’t think about it. Well not exactly. I dream about needing to find a job with insurance. But I’m too over qualified for anything I think I can handle right now. It’s hard enough for people who aren’t struggling to make their way through all the red tape. How do they expect anyone who can’t focus or make reasonable jusdgements to do it?
I’m not feeling terrible right now, just SO tired of being like this and always living in fear of when my BPD will rear its ugly head and wreck havoc in my life and those of my family. There are so few people that I feel I can talk to honestly about it. I never feel like I can alk without feeling huge shame – and feeling that they can’t understand me. I’ve heard the words “don’t do that to yourself!” so many times I can’t count. And I never trust that people really want to know what is gong on with me. It’s too uncomfortable for them since they really can’t do anything to help me with it. So much of it is internalized and only comes out at home – except for when I was freaking out and cutting while at work last year.
Still on hold …When this ends, I may need another pill. My sleep has been pretty crappy lately.