Hesitatingly Calm

Eye of the storm

Eye of the storm (Photo credit: Aquila)

The last few days have found me feeling calmer. I’ve actually stopped and TRIED to feel what’s going on  inside. I can’t. There’s little there. It’s a great relief after the anxiety of the holidays and my wanting to cut. This calm happens periodically, and I never  know how long it will last. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm that is actually the eye of the storm? I don’t know, except that it will end at some point. There hasn’t been much conflict in the last few days. I approached my vet’s office about volunteering, but they don’t need anyone now.

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus ...

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus developing its anvil head as it approaches Balmonth reservoir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I decided to look into transferring my teaching credential to California in the coming week, and I am anxious about that. If they are in order, I’ll be able to apply for a license here. If not, I don’t know if I will take classes for what I might need. If I am able to get my California license, gulp, a different story might unfold. I’ve told myself and my husband that I would start looking for a job. I need the insurance. But I’m extremely worried about job stress and full blown relapse beyond just wanting to self harm. If I can’t get my license here, then I need to look at other jobs. I’ve always pushed myself SO hard at work that I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store. The only thing I know will happen – for sure – is that eventually the storm will come again. It might be today, tomorrow, next week, month or later. But it will return. It always has, making it hard for  us (myself and my family) to enjoy the current peace. But I’m trying to. It means not saying much,  because then I disagree/argue and rages get triggered. I kind of lose my identity even more when trying to remain calm. Say nothing, do nothing … but calm is needed when it can be found, for the storm will rage like a hurricane and shatter all in its path.

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2 thoughts on “Hesitatingly Calm

  1. Hi,
    This line sounds like me too….”I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store.”

    I only work part time, off and on. It’s one of the hardest parts of being sick…my husband supports me. Even though I do all the cooking and gardening. I still feel like I’m not contributing enough. But I also have education and i had the beginnings of a career and that’s long gone….Then that low self esteem edges over into depression self criticism etc. It can be a downward spiral. Some where in that is an opportunity to practice humbleness.

    Calm sounds good…restful.

    • Today wasn’t such a good day. I applied for a training job that I’m qualified for (Corporate Trainer at Esurance). Lots of anxiety flooded me after I submitted it.

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