The last few days have found me feeling calmer. I’ve actually stopped and TRIED to feel what’s going on inside. I can’t. There’s little there. It’s a great relief after the anxiety of the holidays and my wanting to cut. This calm happens periodically, and I never know how long it will last. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm that is actually the eye of the storm? I don’t know, except that it will end at some point. There hasn’t been much conflict in the last few days. I approached my vet’s office about volunteering, but they don’t need anyone now.
I decided to look into transferring my teaching credential to California in the coming week, and I am anxious about that. If they are in order, I’ll be able to apply for a license here. If not, I don’t know if I will take classes for what I might need. If I am able to get my California license, gulp, a different story might unfold. I’ve told myself and my husband that I would start looking for a job. I need the insurance. But I’m extremely worried about job stress and full blown relapse beyond just wanting to self harm. If I can’t get my license here, then I need to look at other jobs. I’ve always pushed myself SO hard at work that I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store. The only thing I know will happen – for sure – is that eventually the storm will come again. It might be today, tomorrow, next week, month or later. But it will return. It always has, making it hard for us (myself and my family) to enjoy the current peace. But I’m trying to. It means not saying much, because then I disagree/argue and rages get triggered. I kind of lose my identity even more when trying to remain calm. Say nothing, do nothing … but calm is needed when it can be found, for the storm will rage like a hurricane and shatter all in its path.