Cutting Edginess

Custom X-Acto 2

Custom X-Acto 2 (Photo credit: grumblegeek)

I want to cut. I don’t know why, but I do. It feels like I’m having an affair with this desire. Why? I’m hovering at my desk, behind my husbands back. We went out for New Year’s Eve and stayed in a hotel. I took my exacto knife, though I didn’t use it. I want to. I don’t know why. I’ve been drinking more, perhaps that’s it. Then, why do I drink? I don’t know why. My meds are out, but I’m still here. My heart beats faster, a secret feeling – this desire. Why? Why? My mood is even, maybe that’s what’s scaring me. It feels uncomfortable, not right, not me. My son is on vacation now, 2,000 miles away. Our arguing is often a trigger because I can’t let go, let him fly. I’ve emailed the last psychiatrist I had – asking for prescriptions. I think I may really need those meds before I fall off the fence of this … contemplation. I really want to cut, it satisfies. It helps me hold in words, thoughts, fears of life I can’t identify. I’m contemplating, examining … where can I cut and it not be seen? I want relief, not attention for it. I’ve learned that I can’t get attention the way I always crave. No deep embrace or touching my face. In love. The love is there, but expression has changed. We’ve gotten older together. It was never your style, though I wanted it so. I want to cut, for more reasons than one. But none of it matters. People just don’t understand. How can I smile and make it all seem so nice? But once distractions are gone, and I’m left to contemplate, I wonder what old age will be like and I see a blank slate. Many times, my husband has asked what I’ll do when our son has gone, into adulthood and away from our home. What will I worry about and fight? I think he’s afraid that he’s next. I really want to cut. A pressure valve of emotions to help keep them hidden. To look normal and happy, I need a distraction. To cut would do it … I could work it for days. Deeper and deeper, like the one behind my knee. I’ve no reason to feel this way, yet I do. It has become my normal. I don’t know how to be truly honest in my feelings and actions. I always live trying to meet expectations. Right this moment, I’m not unhappy or mad (that I know of) yet I still want to cut. For relief from what?

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15 thoughts on “Cutting Edginess

  1. Nope, you’ll regret it. I can relate, way too stressed and everything seems like a weapon! Ya, it’ll work for a little while but then the whole other side, the emotional side of self harm comes in and that can be worse and then you’ll want to cut again even more. I know you can do it! Just keep writing, keep venting!

    • Thanks Mandi. I know it’ll make me want to even more. Always does. Haven’t yet … but no promises. I think part of it is worrying about going back to work; I dreamed about geting a part time job and the anxiety was in my dream too.

  2. Just thinking of you and sending good energy as best I can via this medium.

    I think what Mandi wrote is good. I hope you can find an outlet that isn’t as harmful as cutting. I believe you are doing the best you can and that you have a lot of intelligence going for you.

    Yeah, if it helps, keep using your blog to let stuff out. I’ll listen.

    (((hugs))))

  3. Cutting releases endorphins and will give you a temporary high or temporary relief. If that is how you have coped in the past it makes sense that you would want to do it again. But it is not a healthy way to cope and you aren’t healing by escaping your pain this way. It comes back and it brings shame with it. Do not judge yourself. You do what you do for a reason. But it is time to find a new way. Find a therapist who teaches DBT. Read all you can about this therapy. Practice the skills everyday! If you work it hard, it works.

    • Thanks, I can’t do therapy right now because I don’t have any insurance. I’ll read and see if I can figure out how to do it on my own. I know that’s not best, but it’s what I have. I know the cutting can become almost addictive. I think that’s why I’m feeling secretive. Haven’t yet, still want to. Every small negativity, even my husband saying “I don’t want to talk about this today,” about something we disagree on – makes me want to take it out on myself. Negative words spear me like a dagger. My sleep has been getting worse too, even with temazepam. Another sign …

  4. How are you doing?? I’m so sorry your feeling so edgy about this…I know that feeling. I liked your description of cutting to keep things in…I use it to get things out but in some ways, I think it’s sort of the same thing 😉 Have you ever tried the iced water? I hope that the anxiety has subsided now though. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and sending you strength. xo.

    • Thanks. I haven’t succumbed to cutting again, yet. I am sleeping really poorly though – for the last 3 weeks, even with medication to help me sleep. I keep dreaming about finding a job. I’m scared about that. Maybe I’m not ready, but I need to try. We need the money.

      • Oh this makes sense now too. Stress and anxiety weaken our other defense systems and we crave the relief of what we know “works”! I know you say you need the money, but could you start with something in a volunteer capacity or part time that would help you ease into it and get your confidence up?

      • I’ve thought about volunteering at the vet’s. I have to go there today. I’ll ask. I feel bad because I used to have a lot of responsibility as a special ed. teacher with a huge caseload and I always had an intern I was training also. Now, just a little responsibility worries me. I used to do it all – I even got my master’s online in a year while teaching. Again, the all or nothing. 🙂

  5. The way you described the desire to cut is the same way I feel the need to purge or restrict
    It’s an addiction
    A deadly addiction
    I hope you can fight the urge
    Just think of the guilt after you do it
    And after the initial relief there is the back lash

    Stay strong
    Sending you a hug x

    • You’re right about the addiction. I’ve had it with purging also. And the deadliness … you just never know when something will go further and worse than intended. Thanks.

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