momentary glimpses of bits and pieces of thoughts

This posting may include rambling and disconnected thoughts.

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I’ve just been catching up on reading blogs I follow. There are a lot of them and they are all over the  place. There’s always something, however small, that I’ve connected with in the blogger that has me going back to their blog. In reading this morning, I’ve been transported back years in my own situation to when I was hospitalized and feeling isolated from the world by my “issues”. I’ve remembered a friend’s terrible depression after the suicide of her husband.  I  see joy in the world in some blogs, though photography that I wish I could emulate. Physical medical issues have come up reminding me of years I worked in a bread factory while struggling with depression and bulimia.

Looking at my last post, and the pictures of myself, is not setting well right now. I can’t stand the sight of myself. I know I could edit the post and delete the pictures, but that’s not the point. There I am in my horrible hugeness after feasting (compulsively) my way through Christmas. I know my mom looks at my size with disdain, though she seldom says things directly to me, because of my eating disorder history, but will comment on how big other people are. I doubt she even realizes it, and it probably comes from her own issues with food and body size, but I hear and feel and internalize it all. I’m ashamed of all the weight I’ve gained, how big I am. It’s hard for me to see pictures of myself that are more than just my face. You’ve heard the phrase, “just a shadow of their former self,” well I’m the opposite. I look back at pictures when I was deep in the throes of bulimia. Just my body, not my face, was thin – THIN. I’ve never been able to have that healthily. The holidays – or anytime there’s a buffet or large amounts of food – trigger the eating disorder in me. I can’t puke because it gives me terrible chest pains, though I do still sometimes try. When I can’t puke, I feel worse because I’m stuck with the food in me! Wishing the restrictive behaviors of anorexia upon myself. But I always had to gorge and purge. Anger?

I read about people talking and working with their therapists. I’m jealous. It seems like you’re covering ground. Maybe the few therapists I worked with weren’t the best match. I need someone to push me. Otherwise I hold it all in  and smile up to my top lip. Like my mom. Medications help, but they aren’t here now. I’m not feeling bad right now. But haven’t faced eating yet, talked to anyone or heard how things are going with my son. There’s been no conflict. Those are my triggers. But my chest is already tightening.

Last night, I had a really strong urge to cut because of some things going on with my son who is on vacation. When things go wrong, my fault or not, I turn it all inside. I can’t handle the uncomfortableness of discord. I wanted to talk about it. Somewhere inside I feel responsible for things not going exactly like he had planned. My husband kept saying he didn’t care. (He’s letting our son experience some natural consequences and live with it.) But just hearing the words “don’t care”  and not talking about it, sent shards of guilt through me. Somehow I had done something wrong. I know I dwell, obsess, fixate … I wanted to cause myself physical pain to cover emotional pain. I REALLY wanted to cut. But I didn’t. My sister-in-law gave me two ceramic kitchen knives for Christmas. Very thin and sharp! I can’t say I haven’t had thoughts about the smaller one, the paring knife. Luckily I didn’t go there last night and haven’t for awhile. Let’s hope it stays as ideations and not actions. Life in general is better these days, so maybe it will.

Now I’m older and other things don’t look so well on me either. And I decided, before Christmas, that I would start looking for a job after the holidays. I’m feeling really scared about that. I’m a professional, educated with a master’s degree and terrified about trying to get through a job interview – if I was ever offered one. I’m so afraid of interviewing and how hard it is for me to “sell” myself as being qualified, that I’m likely to take anything, like bagging groceries. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I totally support good honest work of any kind. But I discount myself and if I can’t believe in myself, why would or should an employer? I want to use the skills I have or had, but am afraid that I’ve lost them. I don’t know. And D-Day (post holidays) is only a few days away. GULP! Can I pull the covers over my head until next year?

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5 thoughts on “momentary glimpses of bits and pieces of thoughts

  1. Hi Hawkruh,
    depthful post here. With regards to looking for a job…have you considered volunteering with some organization that you believe in? Could be a step in the direction of finding a job. A lot of jobs are found by connecting with people and word of mouth. It kind of seems unfair but it’s human nature that employers gravitate towards people they know over strangers.

    Also, since you are relatively new to your area and new to being med. free, maybe it would be a good tiny step in the direction you want to go.

    OOPs! I guess I’m in an advising role there and you didn’t ask for advice. I’ll won’t delete but hope that you’ll ignore it if it’s unhelpful. I’d guess you already have thought of volunteering anyway.

    I’m glad you didn’t cut.

    About therapists…..I’m amazed that some bloggers I read who share about therapy, seem to have sessions weekly or even several times a week….and even email their therapists between sessions…. And some have been working with the same therapist for years and seem to have this amazing relationship ~ I feel jealous too. I never heard of relating to a therapist between sessions. Sounds expensive. My insurance (actually my husband’s through work) covers mental health care but they just put it in with the medical now. That sounded good at first but now I’m reluctant to use the benefits to go to therapy because I don’t want to use up the coverage especially if my husband needed it later in the year. So in effect I get less therapy sessions now. We are paying out of pocket for my movement therapy, essentially using our little savings on it.

    You sound like a sensitive lady….regarding your husband using the words “don’t care” in relation to your son. In theory letting someone experience the consequences of their choices sounds wise…to a degree. Maybe him saying – he didn’t care – is just an unfortunate choice of word’s…

    Wow the food stuff is so hard for many of us. I’m still struggling a lot with food obsessing and depression. I feel so overwhelmed with feelings regarding every day life — I feel crippled by it and even though I have managed to cut back on the bulimia behavior, I feel raw and barely able to cope with the feelings. I focus on tiny progress with regards to reducing my addictive behavior with food. I try to keep the areas of progress in tact, so that when I inevitably fail I still have some cornerstones established. I’ve learned to make certain days off limits for the eating disorder. On those days, I just stick with healthy eating (not perfect). Then, even though I fail at other times, I have the progress areas that I hold onto. It used to be only hours now it is days and often a week or more of no bulimia behavior. In it’s place is moderate healthy eating. And I have the progress areas that keep expanding a bit at a time.

    Have you ever considered trying 12 Step programs…like Over Eaters Anonymous? I think it is helpful to some people. Maybe it depends a lot on the area you live in and the group vibe that is there. Something that is really good about it is having a place to share what you are really going through with other people dealing with similar issues. And if you’re lucky you can find someone to help you one-on-one in the program, someone that fits for you. But I haven’t had good luck with that. The other thing is 12 Step programs don’t cost.

    Well, Yikes! I hope this isn’t too long…..thanks for listening.

    • Thanks Gel. I’ve though about volunteering for a local vet. I am realizing I may need to go slow. I did try 12 step OA when I was in treatment ( and for a year after) but it wasn’t for me. Yes, I am very sensitive. That gets tangled up in my emotional regulation ability (a big part of BPD) I can’t handle the emotions, they go to extremes very quickly, and the desire to self harm is often how I try to regulate or have some sort of control. But at least the suicide ideations haven’t been there for a bit. Hope they stay away but it’s doubtful. The medication I’m most worried about being off of is for mood stabilization. We’ll see what happens.

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