Ranting Ramblings of Depression

This is how I'm feeling

This is how I’m feeling

Today is Friday. Wednesday I spent all day on the verge of tears or crying. No fighting with anyone, just very emotional even when no one else was home. It didn’t get any better yesterday except that my son was angry at me. Teenage stuff that I recognized and didn’t take on, but it didn’t help. I’m going to see people and teachers I used to work with who, and will ask what I’ve been doing for the last six months – not teaching, working or looking for work. I will also see the other senseis at the karate dojo I trained and taught at, and they too, will want to know – but in regards to my martial arts. I haven’t felt able to do any of it. I’m just barely beginning to feel ready to look for a part time job – far below the stress level of the special education teaching that I did last year. I don’t feel able to take on the responsibility of running classes, scheduling, billing, etc. for my own students.

This morning, I come into the living room to see breaking news about a school in CT where some person(s) shot and killed 27 people, including 18 elementary children. Elementary Children! All I could think about was the years when I was teaching and what I would have done or tried to do if someone had come into the room. How would I have tried to protect my students? There were no closets or second doorways. No cupboards or wide opening windows. They would have been sitting ducks. It makes me sick to think about it. Why would anyone do such a thing? Immediately, the press goes to gun laws. Those laws don’t stop people like this. For someone who is sick and desperate, they always find a way to get what they need to do the act.

I haven’t begun to pack. I don’t want to pack. That means traveling, transition. It’ll probably be ok once I’m there, but right now I’m in the transition phase.

I don’t do well with transitions. I want to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head. Sleep is an ok transition because you’re not so aware of going through it. You wake up and it’s done.

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4 thoughts on “Ranting Ramblings of Depression

  1. Where are you going? I gather to where ever you used to study Karate? I’m curious about your karate and how long you ‘ve been doing it and any thing you can share about it. I have not studied a martial art, just been introduced to Tai chi and Chi Kung. I considered studying Aikido and have a few friends who have done that and I like the philosophy.

    I relate to what you wrote about people asking you what you’ve been doing….work-wise or with karate. I don’t work full time and haven’t for 6 years. I do odd jobs, or as one person put it “I freelance” or sub contract. But I do the bulk of the house work and gardening here so that’s something. But the reality is I don’t feel well enough to work outside the home. And I don’t feel like telling people it’s about recovery stuff. So I usually just say what ever my current part time work is and I don’t say how many hours. Inside myself I think it’s ok to take time to heal but I also feel bad about contributing enough.

    Today’s masacre is beyond words.

    • I’m going to Wisconsin, where I lived until this summer. My karate style is Kempo Goju, which is very traditional and involves both hard and soft forms as well as aikido, grappling and jodo (an ancient form of fighting with long sticks – jo, from when peasants weren’t allowed to own weapons). I began when I was 41 and earned my black belt when I was 47 (3 years ago.) I was the first female out of our dojo (school) to earn a black belt and the that school had been there for 20 years, although we have female black belts at our few other dojos. My dojo was/is a small one.

      About the massacre – thinking about it feels like a black hole. I feel sick and lost as a person, a teacher and especially a parent. And I think it has to do with sickness, not gun control as the media seems to focus. Not that I’m advocating. People intent on harming will always find a way.

      • ……”And I think it has to do with sickness, not gun control as the media seems to focus. Not that I’m advocating. People intent on harming will always find a way.”…
        That’s what I think too. Thanks for putting it so succinctly.

        You’ve really accomplished something with your Karate! Does it feel good to have the black belt-accomplishment? Do martial arts give you skills that apply to coping with the BPD?

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