Today is Friday. Wednesday I spent all day on the verge of tears or crying. No fighting with anyone, just very emotional even when no one else was home. It didn’t get any better yesterday except that my son was angry at me. Teenage stuff that I recognized and didn’t take on, but it didn’t help. I’m going to see people and teachers I used to work with who, and will ask what I’ve been doing for the last six months – not teaching, working or looking for work. I will also see the other senseis at the karate dojo I trained and taught at, and they too, will want to know – but in regards to my martial arts. I haven’t felt able to do any of it. I’m just barely beginning to feel ready to look for a part time job – far below the stress level of the special education teaching that I did last year. I don’t feel able to take on the responsibility of running classes, scheduling, billing, etc. for my own students.
This morning, I come into the living room to see breaking news about a school in CT where some person(s) shot and killed 27 people, including 18 elementary children. Elementary Children! All I could think about was the years when I was teaching and what I would have done or tried to do if someone had come into the room. How would I have tried to protect my students? There were no closets or second doorways. No cupboards or wide opening windows. They would have been sitting ducks. It makes me sick to think about it. Why would anyone do such a thing? Immediately, the press goes to gun laws. Those laws don’t stop people like this. For someone who is sick and desperate, they always find a way to get what they need to do the act.
I haven’t begun to pack. I don’t want to pack. That means traveling, transition. It’ll probably be ok once I’m there, but right now I’m in the transition phase.
I don’t do well with transitions. I want to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head. Sleep is an ok transition because you’re not so aware of going through it. You wake up and it’s done.