I’d like to thank Jaen Wirefly for this post. Heartfelt thanks.
I’ve been posting about my weaning off of medications and how I’ve begun meditating. Jaen has offered a lot of support and encouraged me to watch some monk videos on YouTube ( http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA ) to help with stress. I subscribed to the page and scrolled through until I came upon one titled “Loving Kindness Towards Oneself.” As I began watching it, I started to cry, listening to the message.
Bhikkhuni Hasapanna talks about skillful ways to give loving kindness to oneself, in meditation and in practice, with many examples from her own life. Be an island, a refuge unto yourself. The teacher can only teach the way. Ultimately, we can only free ourselves.
For those of us with BPD, fear of abandonment is huge. We don’t want to be left by those we love. The lost child. This video helped me to understand that I need to unconditionally love myself. I am my priority. I want others to take care of me, to love me – because I don’t feel lovable and able to able to take care of myself. But I also know that I have the knowledge within me to go forward. I have the love already, because I know that I love others. I know how to take care of others, my family, my pets. For some reason I fear to depend on that love and knowledge for myself. When it comes down to it, I am all that I have every minute of the day from birth to death.
I’m tired of believing in and giving so much less to myself than I do to others. Maybe, just maybe, if I am kinder and more loving to myself I won’t be so upset and looking for it elsewhere in the world. Kind of sounds like the good witch Glenda’s advice to Dorothy at the end of the movie in “The Wizzard of Oz.”
I believe that as I continue with meditation I will find more of this. My body, my mind, my home, my island, my refuge. Peace.