Loving Kindness Towards Oneself

I’d like to thank Jaen Wirefly for this post. Heartfelt thanks.

I’ve been posting about my weaning off of medications and how I’ve begun meditating. Jaen has offered a lot of support and encouraged me to watch some monk videos on YouTube ( http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA ) to help with stress. I subscribed to the page and scrolled through until I came upon one titled “Loving Kindness Towards Oneself.” As I began watching it, I started to cry, listening to the message.

Bhikkhuni Hasapanna talks about skillful ways to give loving kindness to oneself, in meditation and in practice, with many examples from her own life. Be an island, a refuge unto yourself. The teacher can only teach the way. Ultimately, we can only free ourselves.

For those of us with BPD, fear of abandonment is huge. We don’t want to be left by those we love. The lost child. This video helped me to understand that I need to unconditionally love myself. I am my priority. I want others to take care of me, to love me – because I don’t feel lovable and able to able to take care of myself. But I also know that I have the knowledge within me to go forward. I have the love already, because I know that I love others. I know how to take care of others, my family, my pets. For some reason I fear to depend on that love and knowledge for myself. When it comes down to it, I am all that I have every minute of the day from birth to death.

I’m tired of believing in and giving so much less to myself than I do to others. Maybe, just maybe, if I am kinder and more loving to myself I won’t be so upset and looking for it elsewhere in the world. Kind of sounds like the good witch Glenda’s advice to Dorothy at the end of the movie in “The Wizzard of Oz.”

I believe that as I continue with meditation I will find more of this. My body, my mind, my home, my island, my refuge. Peace.

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4 thoughts on “Loving Kindness Towards Oneself

  1. Oh so wonderful to read this post!. I can hear a lot of health and wisdom in your words. I feel really happy to hear all the insights you are sharing. Much of what you are saying is exactly what I’m trying to do for myself as well…..loving kindness towards myself…it’s not selfish, it’s just essential nourishments that in the long run gives me what I need to be giving to others.

    I don’t have BPD but I have abandonment fears from deep long ago…my birth mother gave me up at age 2. I know how difficult it is to want nurturance and not know how to give it to myself. What you are describing about creating your own home of nurturance and refuge for yourself is a lot like what I was trying to describe in my post on “Home Base~~~~Heart Space”.

    I will check out the monk talks. Thanks.

    • I think many disabilities (especially with mental illness) share a need for being nurtured. We look for something that has been missing, or not to a needed level, in our lives.

  2. I feel so honored from this post. Glad the dharma talks are helping you! You sound like you’re in a good place now and that is precious. Keep meditating and being in contact with those that love you.

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