I’ve been trying to meditate several times a week lately. I enjoy it as a time of relaxation and calming of my mind and senses. There are several guided meditations that I’ve used, but the one I’ve focussed on most lately is: “Awakening Kundalini Meditation” by Kelly Howell. Usually, I feel very good and relaxed as the meditation opens up various areas of my body. At one point, energy is sent up the spine towards the head.
Yesterday, that upward push of energy was totally blocked and was almost painful. I felt very anxious throughout it. Instead of energy massaging my brain positively, I felt a churning cauldron of colors locked in my gut. The energy would go no higher than that. Fractured images of faces – not positive ones – appeared and disappeared in my mind’s eye. I found waiting and wanting the meditation to be over with.
I’ve never experienced this with meditation before. Is it connected with my weaning off of mood medications? My hope is that by continuing to work through and stay with the meditations, I will be able to stay grounded and flow with the energy, not blocking it. Something is trying to happen within me. Perhaps the meditation will keep me breathing and give me a path to turn to when I’d rather turn to negativity, rage, cutting, burning, hiding in my head and hating myself. I need to follow this uprising of feeling – even though it doesn’t feel so good. That’s exactly why I need to do it. Enlightenment.