Pouring out

This is how I feel inside as well as how it looks outside.

This is how I feel inside as well as how it looks outside. Nothing but rain and darkness. 

It’s been pouring out for the last few days. Today, even the dog is smart enough to not or eat or drink as much as usual so that she doesn’t have to go out in it to relieve herself – and she’s only 5 months old!

This morning, my emotions were pouring out also. I was just commenting that I haven’t fought with my 16 year old son for days (G*D, he’s as stubborn as I am!) The blame for moving him away from friends and his girlfriend (that he didn’t have when we decided to move, bought the house or for 9 months thereafter before the move!) – the guilt for causing (or feeling I do) such misery in my son – the lack of control as he grows up and ,ichmmmm, independent. I feel like I’m a horrible mother, I know I’m not but I feel like I am. But I do the best I can and I love him with all my heart!  So we fought/ argued. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear, then cut, then burn and then throw myself through my bedroom window. I didn’t, but I wanted to, badly.

I feel like a black plague. Like slime oozing out and over everything in my path, turning sunshine into storms. I know this is not reality, but is psyche influencing the way I see my world and my interaction with it. I went back to bed thinking of pills, razors, burning and escaping emotional pain. What stops me? Would it make anything better for my son and husband? I don’t know. If I knew it would … but I don’t and so I’m still here and still hoping to make forward progress. Still hoping to find peace within myself. Still hoping that life can be lived full of joy – without self inflicting injuries to seal away outside pain, cauterizing my emotions.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Pouring out

  1. Instead of focusing on the external, what would happen if you focused on the internal? Meaning… don’t think about what you are doing hurting your family… think instead about how it hurts you; yes, there is momentary anxiety relief but you have prolonged anxiety about the behaviour even when not engaging with it… so it hurts you after the small relief. And then, think about what does stop you… it’s not your family, it’s not your friends… it’s you. Something inside YOU doesn’t want to hurt yourself that way. All of these things are good. Arguing with your kids is normal. Feeling like the worst parent in the world is normal. And all of it is ok to feel. It will pass, and change, your kids will grow and they will realise that you did your best and that you loved them with everything you had. Having said all that, rain does not help mood 😦 Boo to rain. I hope you feel better soon. xo.

    • thanks … we moved here from Wisconsin where the rain would be a blizzard. At least it isn’t that! The rain will bring green to my garden and that makes me smile. I know all the parenting stuff is normal. I’m glad something inside me stopped me from hurting myself – but it was close. I started thinking about pills, which doesn’t happen often. Part of it is a huge fear that I’ve passed my mental illness on to my son – like a curse. I know he loves me, but it hurts so much when you see the pain your choices are causing another. Thanks for reading and especially for your feedback. It helps to hear from others.

      • As I’m not a parent, I can’t say for sure, but I imagine it would be quite terrifying to think you may have passed on a mental illness to your child. I do believe there are genetic components to susceptibility but I also believe that environmental factors can play a role. However, if that is the case, let’s say… I think it would be so much more helpful and hopeful to see your parent actively and healthily trying to manage the issues and symptoms. Instead of thinking about the negative (I’m seeing a pattern 😉 ) of maybe having passed something on, focus on showing him that it is possible to have a good life (except maybe on days when it rains)… I am glad that it didn’t come to you hurting yourself in any way… do you have techniques to use to manage those feelings when they come? xo.

      • Sometimes I can stop myself. Sometimes I collapse on the floor in tears, telling him how sorry I am. Sometimes I have to leave the house because I feel so FULL of emotions that I can’t control. If I keep myself around people, I’m less likely to hurt myself. It’s when I isolate that I’m likely to hurt myself. I just can’t stand the emotional pain and want to escape.

  2. Hi lady,
    Sorry it’s so tough for you.
    Have you ever tried expressing your feelings in art? It seems like it could be an outlet. Even if you didn’t feel like showing it to anyone, it could be helpful to you.
    That’s another beautiful photo. I love black and white photography. Thanks for sharing your self with us.
    (((Hugs)))

    • Hi, I have done art in the past and have my supplies at the ready. I just haven’t been able to get myself to use them. I’ve also done some writing. There are some old posts of mine that cover writings I’ve done – The Secret (done over 3 posts, was written for a college class) and Adventures of the Feather in an Uncertain World. You might enjoy reading them and would probably learn a lot about me in them. Thanks about the photo. It actually isn’t black and white but sure looks like it! I like black and white photos also.

  3. The fact that you consciously know that that awful darkness is not reality is the best news in the world. Celebrate it! When I realize it like this in the middle of a self-pity-party, I also realize I made that bad reality up, as hard as it is to believe it, and that I can choose another reality instead. It’s like magic. It boggled my mind. But I trusted the process, the logic, because it’s true.

    I hope you feel empowered because everything you need is in you, God put it there, and you’re a wonderful mom. Be kind to yourself always (: be your own child and nurture it. You got a big heart I know you can. I’m doing that as best as I can, I know it can help you too, God-willing. Love & Hugs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s