Dwindling Supply

I’m down to just a few days of anti depressants left. I’ve only been taking them every other day for a month now – to make them last longer. And I’ve got about a month’s worth of mood stabilizers, now that I’ve cut my dose in half – again, to make them last longer. All this as the holidays are upon us. A time known to be difficult for stress, depression and anxiety, especially for those who struggle with those issues during on an ongoing basis.

I’ve tried to devise a scaffolding to help me through this. I’m also taking fish oil, a multivitamin and B complex. I’m striving for eight hours of sleep a night and some form of exercise, be it yoga, hiking or yard work, every day. I’ve made new friends and shared my struggles with a few who are supportive and open to talking/listening without judgement. I’m trying to meditate every day, but have succeeded in doing it 3-4 times a week.

But I’m scared. The slightest harsh word makes me want to hurt myself. I don’t know why. I’t’s like a whip lashing at me and I feel it tearing away at my insides. Hurting myself by my own cutting or burning pulls that away. I should be the one to punish me, hurt me. Maybe then the words of others won’t hurt so much. If I’m causing myself pain, I can increase it and it numbs what is coming at me from my environment.

The funny thing is, when I’m being hurt by others, they usually don’t even know they are doing it. Ha Ha. Joke’s on me. Sometimes dissociation seems like a good thing. A protective void. Feels like I’m invisible. Down a hole, looking up and watching the world while being unobserved. Or up a tree, hiding in the branches.

When I was a young teen, I used to wish I had been a feral child. Running wild with the wolves. Away from people. Animals were safe. True. You knew the rules. That’s never been the case with people. Even with myself.

My son tells me I alway change what I say. Maybe I say what I think I’m suppose to do, then my impulsivity and fear jump in and I react with a different answer.

I can already feel my fear increasing as my medication dwindles. Soon there will be none. The only thing I still have is Lorazapam. LOTS of those! But I’ve not been taking them because I’m afraid I’ll take too many and they can’t take the place of an antidepressant or mood stabilizer – Can they?

I haven’t been anxious for awhile … The doctor had me on them before the mood stabilizer. I didn’t seem to need them afterwards. But I kept them in case.

I just want to go to sleep through it all. The bad parts that is. But I’m the one who creates the bad parts for myself. If I’m asleep or no around, there are no bad parts. I am my enemy, my fear. I can’t escape me – ever!


6 thoughts on “Dwindling Supply

  1. I could have written this post myself. As a child I used to wish I had been born in the wild, too, in a distant mountain village somewhere across the ocean. I wish I had learned to live among the animals instead of humans. Fern Gully was one of my favorite movies 🙂 Still is. I used to believe that my wish to be wild was a bad thing, but lately I believe it only means that I’m more in touch with the instincts and intuitive dreams humanity has almost forgotten.

    You’re making a real effort to heal yourself and get back on track with the yoga, supplements, exercise, therapy. I often think, though, that while the process of healing opens a lot of doors for opportunity and self-growth, suddenly the pain kept inside surfaces and you’re much more aware of your vulnerability and sensitivity. It’s like you’ve just grown this new skin, and it’s pink, raw and delicate. It bleeds easily.

    Sorry for the rant! I just admired and resonated with your post so much. I wish you all the best.

  2. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here.
    I too identified with being a ‘wild’ girl when I was a teen. We lived near a beautiful wooded park and I’d go there and hide and watch people and travel through the underbrush without being seen by the humans. It was really satisfying to me.
    I can also identify with your devising a scaffolding to help you transition from meds. Everything you listed sounds like good healthy living and loving self care. They take time, a lot of time. I’m also working on my digestion health. Found a Doctor/her book about the gut and brain connection. And how a lot of mental and psychological problems have their source in poor gut health.

    I feel some concern for you that you are running out of meds much faster than your alternatives can be the support you need. Is there any way you can take a more gradual approach in reducing your meds? I gave that link on another one or you posts ‘beyond meds’….I think that is the exact goal of the site…..to safely transition off meds. and how to do it.

    I can really relate to that feeling of others hurting me without them even knowing it. Rationally I can tell they aren’t trying to hurt me but they do things or say things that I have a very intense emotional reaction to. I’m being very selective these days who I hang out with and what kind of social things I do. I know my focus in life right now is to DEAL with the traumas i’ve been carrying all my life…finally to face it. So it’s no wonder that I’m extra sensitive and kind of ‘crazy’.

    Please be gentle on your self. Or let others give you some loving kindness.

  3. I think sometimes we create situations for ourselves… don’t get me wrong, I have no advice on how to stop it 😉 but even just the dwelling on dwindling meds… the fear you are building up in your mind about what it will be like with out them… what if you just decided that actually, it will be ok? Instead of fretting… each day when you wake up, instead of thinking that things might become a disaster because you’re almost out of meds, count down the days to being someone who gets to live med free… be excited about not having the meds anymore and tell yourself that things are going to be perfectly fine without them. Positive affirmations can be incredibly beneficial… And hey… its not going to make the situation any worse, right?! 🙂

    • You’re right. I have tried to go off antidepressants in the past and it hasn’t worked out so well. But that was without supplements and the online support I have now. It’s too easy to get caught up in negative thinking – a habit I often succumb to and want to break. Thanks for the affirmation and support. 🙂

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