Raging Lunatic – The movie

Raging lunatic. The term is familiar to most people. Those of us with mental illness may call ourselves crazy (lunatics) and have episodes of raging. Before I was ever diagnosed with anything, I wished I was diagnosed as crazy  – because then my behaviors would make some kind of sense. And that brings me to today.

On Thanksgiving, I had commented on a post about my anxieties around the holidays and how I often fly off into a rage. Another commenter replied to my comment and suggested that perhaps I might want to video one of my episodes of raging to see what my actions look like – RAW, from the outside.

I wonder about doing this, if I could even coordinate it with a camera being at the ready, if my husband or son would record it if I was raging at the other … the emotions. Would it help – hurt – trigger? Has anyone else done something of this kind before? If so, what kind of result were there? I’m intrigued yet it scares the h#ll out of me to think of what I would see and to know that’s what my husband and son see when I’m like that.

The Ugly Truth.

Me.

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5 thoughts on “Raging Lunatic – The movie

  1. I’ve never tried to record my behaviour but I think it would be an interesting experiment. I know there would be some scary moments – I think watching myself dissociate would be frightening for me, but the rest of the time I tend to just shut down. There would be a lot of video of me sitting in a corner. I guess the question is…. how do you think seeing it could help you? When you are in the middle of anxiety or (rage*), would having seen a video of it help pull you out of that state? Or? Is there something else that is more gentle that could help you when you are anxious or upset or “raging”? xo

    • I’m wondering how seeing myself raging at my son or husband would make me feel. I don’t think it would be something I could look at while in the moment. I don’t know … scary thought. I might feel such shame at the anger in me and how it explodes at the people I love the most – especially when I have such a hard time with anger being directed at me. It might be a horrible trigger. It was just such a wild idea when it was suggested that I had to explore it, at least in thought. I will mull it over some more. I wonder if anyone else has had their episodes taped?

  2. I definitely think it’s something worth exploring, even just in theory. I suppose I was thinking that, having viewed the video (at a later stage, not during an episode) how it could help prevent or minimise future episodes… I know that for me, on the occasional times (probably less than 5) I have gotten into a real rage, I don’t think that anything could stop me, even the memory of how awful my actions had been in the past. And I think seeing something like that would just be hard to watch. Working through it with a therapist might be beneficial… perhaps instead of trying to view how “ugly” your actions are, to remember what you were feeling in the moment and why, and to discuss alternate management techniques… I am really curious as to whether or not anyone has tried this before!

  3. I don’t want to see, yet anyway. We beat ourselves enough as is. I don’t think for me anyway, it would make a difference. I don’t think it through at the time. I just have to trust that in time with work it’ll change. You’re doing your best I know!

    • I think I’d best leave well enough alone for now. The more I think about it, the worse I think it would make me feel. Also, the shame of being so out of control would probably be a self harming trigger.

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