I started today by catching up on reading a number of blogs that I follow. Several of them had to do with Thanksgiving, the upcoming holidays and the emotional turmoil that often accompanies them. Suddenly, my upcoming trip home for Christmas broke open a dam of fear and apprehension of how I will make it there and back unscathed by myself. I realized this as I commented on a post … http://authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/thanksgiving-borderline-style/ and found myself rambling all over the place.
Based on previous holidays, I panic, get swallowed up in anxiety, rage and can’t seem to enjoy a day for what it is – time with family. I know that that is all that really matters. Everyone knows me well enough and is forgiving enough to just let me “be”, but I can’t seem to do that. I’m not ok with it.
My mind starts to run and can’t seem to stop. My coping skills leave a lot to be desired. Blogging has helped so I’ll probably be doing a bit more of it. I’m also going through a de-medicating period due to no insurance and a lack of believing that there is any value in me spending hundreds of dollars a month on medication for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worth it. So, I’m phasing out my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers. The anti-depressant is almost out. The mood stabilizer should last about another month. Any suggestions for holistic alternatives? I do have old antidepressant prescriptions, but am hesitant to use them because I know I stopped using them for various reasons – even if I can’t remember the reasons. I don’t know why I still have them around … habitual holder onto of medications. I have a bin full of them. Probably not a good idea in and of itself even though medication hasn’t really been a way of self harm. I have misused and self medicated before. Here I go rambling. See what I mean? That’s what gets me into trouble. And it’s still four weeks until my trip. Yikes! What have I gotten myself into?!
Local warning signs