My BPD is Rambling

From Roger Waters “The Wall” concert 6/2012 Chicago

I started today by catching up on reading a number of blogs that I follow. Several of them had to do with Thanksgiving, the upcoming holidays and the emotional turmoil that often accompanies them. Suddenly, my upcoming trip home for Christmas broke open a dam of fear and apprehension of how I will make it there and back unscathed by myself. I realized this as I commented on a post …  http://authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/thanksgiving-borderline-style/  and found myself rambling all over the place.

Based on previous holidays, I panic, get swallowed up in anxiety, rage and can’t seem to enjoy a day for what it is – time with family.  I know that that is all that really matters. Everyone knows me well enough and is forgiving enough to just let me “be”, but I can’t seem to do that. I’m not ok with it.

My mind starts to run and can’t seem to stop. My coping skills leave a lot to be desired. Blogging has helped so I’ll probably be doing a bit more of it. I’m also going through a de-medicating period due to no insurance and a lack of believing that there is any value in me spending hundreds of dollars a month on medication for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worth it. So, I’m phasing out my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers. The anti-depressant is almost out. The mood stabilizer should last about another month. Any suggestions for holistic alternatives? I do have old antidepressant prescriptions, but am hesitant to use them because  I know I stopped using them for various reasons – even if I can’t remember the reasons. I don’t know why I still have them around … habitual holder onto of medications. I have a bin full of them. Probably not a good idea in and of itself even though medication hasn’t really been a way of self harm. I have misused and self medicated before. Here I go rambling. See what I mean? That’s what gets me into trouble. And it’s still four weeks until my trip. Yikes! What have I gotten myself into?!

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8 thoughts on “My BPD is Rambling

  1. Hi Hawkruh. I hear you when you say reading others blogs and finding them triggering–spurring anticipation of future events and all that comes with it. It is hard.

    I do have a link that is about boosting serotonin naturally: http://nutritionfacts.org/2012/11/15/boost-serotonin-naturally/ that I have tried while still on an anti-depressant. The combo was not good and I would plummet into hopelessness by the afternoon and I think that’s because the natural method was too much for me and my anti-depressant to manage. But I don’t think that means it wouldn’t (or would) work for you. If you decide to try it, please use with caution.

    I am thinking of you and will be sending you loving vibes during my meditation today. You are worthy of that–we are all worthy of that.

    Oh and thank you for “liking” my posts as frequently as you do. I a grateful for your support.

    Love,
    Trish

  2. I have phased in and out of meds (for bipolar) at various points in time and have tried high doses of fish oil to manage depression. I believe medications have their place but I’ve found it more effective to try and manage it with vitamins, sleep and exercise. It takes a lot of discipline to maintain a sleep schedule and exercise but I’d far prefer to be rigorous in managing things naturally than taking hundreds of dollars worth of meds. I don’t know that it will work for everyone but I think it’s worth it and if you’re not going to be taking meds anyway, it may be a suitable alternative. You’d want to take 2-3mg of fish oil per day (find high strength stuff so you don’t need to take 15 pills!) and a good B complex vitamin and take twice the recommended dosage. Walk for 30-60 minutes per day and try to sleep for 6-8 hours. Holidays bring up SO many tumultuous emotions and throw an otherwise moderately stable year into havoc. I know you can get through this though. Hang in there! xo.

    • Thanks Nataly. I’m good on the sleep as I was diagnosed with sleep apnea last spring and now use a cpap machine. I know how important sleep is! I guess I wasn’t really getting much for many years! I do take fish oil daily, but will check on the quality and quantity. I take a multivitamin but will also look into a complex B. I KNOW i need to exercise more and need to commit to that for many reasons. Thanks. Keep checking in and I’ll let you know how it’s going. I’ve also started a yoga class (couldn’t do it alone with dvd’s at home) and am working on meditating. I don’t want medications to rule my life. Alternative therapies will do so much more too!

      • Yay for yoga!!! I love yoga and it has really helped me but I don’t like to talk about it too much as I sound like one of those annoying yoga devotees/crazies. I miss having a class to go to and I do it at home with my cd. I’m glad you’re on the fish oil 🙂 If you feel stable and not severely depressed atm it might be a good time to phase out meds. Alternative therapies (why is something natural referred to as “alternative”?!) are much kinder to the body and mind and we could all do with a little more kindness, right?! 🙂 xo

  3. I admire your desire to do it yourself…and to take a whole body/ whole person approach. I hope you have at least one person in your life who believes in you and loves you dearly. It takes a lot of support to heal naturally without drugs. In your writing you often get down on yourself. I cringe when you do that because I do that too. But it doesn’t help motivate me to do better. My therapist said “if you could do better you would because humans mostly want to contribute to life. It’s the hurts and the lacks that have gotten in the way of your true nature.

    You wrote:

    “I’m also going through a de-medicating period due to no insurance and a lack of believing that there is any value in me spending hundreds of dollars a month on medication for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worth it. So, I’m phasing out my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers. The anti-depressant is almost out. The mood stabilizer should last about another month. Any suggestions for holistic alternatives?”

    This site is great:
    http://beyondmeds.com/about/

    Also:
    Look into the gut and brain connection….gut as in intestinal health.

    http://www.gutandpsychologysyndrome.com/

    • Thank you for your comment. I know I get down on myself and that is not helpful, it is self-injurious. I keep striving to find ways and utilize them to support my healing. The self injury (in various forms from physical to self talk) is still there, but hopefully less so as I do this. I do want peace and the best out of life!

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