Devoid

I think it’s progress, but I feel like I’m devoid of emotions right now.

Lately I’ve been arguing, nay, fighting with my son a lot. He’s 16. That’s his excuse. What’s mine? I fall into it every time. My friend tells me to just say “f#ck it” and let him figure out life and learn from his mistakes by himself. I obviously have a hard time doing that. And then my emotional rawness falls apart and I disintegrate to despair and barely eluding self harm. I’ve even considered self harm as a way to prevent myself from falling into these fights. HA! Like that would ever work!

I do think I need to reconsider my friend’s advice though. It may be a way for me to not take EVERYTHING upon myself as either a problem I need to solve for myself or anyone else, or a responsibility that I can pass on. I have a tendency to over join because I’m afraid people won’t like me if I don’t. After reading the blog post by Kathy that I reported about what other people think about me being none of my business, I think that restraining from offering myself and services 100% of the time is something I need to cut back on. I need to save some of me for taking care of myself.

I’m enjoying my yoga class and finding it much more challenging than do at home by yourself videos! I’m also listening to, and trying to do, some meditations. They are a bit harder as my mind has to be constantly pulled back. It does feel good when I do them though; very calming.

zen fountain in my garden

Right now, I’m sitting in my car outside a tiny restaurant in a tiny old gold mining town in California while my son’s school band plays inside. He doesn’t want me in there watching with other parents, or anywhere I can be seen. On some days, this would crush me to tears.

Tonight I am devoid of emotions. I wonder why?

Progress?

 

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4 thoughts on “Devoid

  1. My friend Lesley tells me ALLLL the time, what others think of me isn’t my business. It’s taken me SO long, But really for the most part I don’t care. I envy you though, I would love to move away from here just so I don’t have to be constantly reminded of the people who don’t like me anymore, or the things I can’t do anymore… all due to BPD.

    I didn’t want my parents so go to anything when I was 16. Mark made his parents drop him off at the corner. Yes, his parents weren’t exactly… hum… well I guess it would be embarrassing to crawl out the window because the car of the week’s door won’t open. 🙂 I just didn’t want my parents around. I don’t really know why. I guess freedom, no judgment or critique.

    I don’t know about being numb, I get numb a lot. You know, it jumps all over the f’ing place. At least numb means not hurting. My gut instinct is that being numb wouldn’t be good for very long though.

    I am SO not looking forward to having 2 teenage girls. AH!

  2. I don’t have kids so I can’t give you solid advice on the matter. However, lets approach the self harm comment. Is this something you’ve done before?

  3. Long history. I’ve been able to abstain, just lots of thoughts. Up days and down days. I know I need to let him make mistakes and learn from them, it’s part of the growing process. I did much better with him in that area when he was a toddler and skinning his knee! I need to learn to let him go. It’s hard. He’s also separating himself as a person. Becoming an individual. My immediate reaction to the emotional pain is self harm. But I am abstaining.

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