Lately I’ve been arguing, nay, fighting with my son a lot. He’s 16. That’s his excuse. What’s mine? I fall into it every time. My friend tells me to just say “f#ck it” and let him figure out life and learn from his mistakes by himself. I obviously have a hard time doing that. And then my emotional rawness falls apart and I disintegrate to despair and barely eluding self harm. I’ve even considered self harm as a way to prevent myself from falling into these fights. HA! Like that would ever work!
I do think I need to reconsider my friend’s advice though. It may be a way for me to not take EVERYTHING upon myself as either a problem I need to solve for myself or anyone else, or a responsibility that I can pass on. I have a tendency to over join because I’m afraid people won’t like me if I don’t. After reading the blog post by Kathy that I reported about what other people think about me being none of my business, I think that restraining from offering myself and services 100% of the time is something I need to cut back on. I need to save some of me for taking care of myself.
I’m enjoying my yoga class and finding it much more challenging than do at home by yourself videos! I’m also listening to, and trying to do, some meditations. They are a bit harder as my mind has to be constantly pulled back. It does feel good when I do them though; very calming.
Right now, I’m sitting in my car outside a tiny restaurant in a tiny old gold mining town in California while my son’s school band plays inside. He doesn’t want me in there watching with other parents, or anywhere I can be seen. On some days, this would crush me to tears.
Tonight I am devoid of emotions. I wonder why?