My morning started off well, but the last fifteen minutes have plummeted down, like, uh … a stone falling into a well.
I’m trying to post quickly in an attempt to stay with my emotions and capture them rather than react to, or act upon them. This is the first time I’ve tried t his.
Yesterday I had a HUGE fight with my 16 year old son about school … tried to stand up and be direct, firm as a parent. He thinks I”m picking on him. Probably some of both. Today he and my husband are off doing something together. I initially looked forward to the time alone to watch some dog training clips I’ve saved and listen to some training audios, in addition to doing some meditation and yard work. I really like the time I spend in my yard and working with my 4 month old puppy, Chi. I also called a new friend to see if I could come over, but got her answering machine. Quickly, my emotions fell. I lay on the floor next to my pup wondering about self injury and lack of self worth. I often seem to cause more pain to others that joy. Yesterday, I contemplated burning myself each time I found myself ready to argue with my son, to see if I could displace the nitpicking and frustration and anger. Doubt it would work though.
My cell phone just rang – the friend I had called – she’s home and wants me to come over! Time for a quick shower and there I go. I’m afraid my emotions are still so close to the surface that they may spill out while we talk. If they do, what then? I hope she will still be there. Maybe there will be one of those hugs I so desperately crave and so seldom feel.