Falling like a stone into a well

My morning started off well, but the last fifteen minutes have plummeted down, like, uh … a stone falling into a well.

I’m trying to post quickly in an attempt to stay with my emotions and capture them rather than react to, or act upon them. This is the first time I’ve tried t his.

Yesterday I had a HUGE fight with my 16 year old son about school … tried to stand up and be direct, firm as a parent. He thinks I”m picking on him. Probably some of both. Today he and my husband are off doing something together. I initially looked forward to the time alone to watch some dog training clips I’ve saved and listen to some training audios, in addition to doing some meditation and yard work. I really like the time I spend in my yard and working with my 4 month old puppy, Chi. I also called a new friend to see if I could come over, but got her answering machine. Quickly, my emotions fell. I lay on the floor next to my pup wondering about self injury and lack of self worth. I often seem to cause more pain to others that joy. Yesterday, I contemplated burning myself each time I found myself ready to argue with my son, to see if I could displace the nitpicking and frustration and anger. Doubt it would work though.

My cell phone just rang – the friend I had called – she’s home and wants me to come over! Time for a quick shower and there I go. I’m afraid my emotions are still so close to the surface that they may spill out while we talk. If they do, what then? I hope she will still be there. Maybe there will be one of those hugs I so desperately crave and so seldom feel.

My son,as an upset baby – how I’m feeling inside today.

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5 thoughts on “Falling like a stone into a well

  1. The picture of your son there, crying, breaks my heart. I certainly know how it feels to want to shut out the world, close my eyes, and cry my heart out. And falling stones in wells… you’re not alone with that one either! It’s just a part of being human, it seems.

    Let’s have no more stones, eh! Lets have dandelion clocks and feathers floating on dancing breezes instead. And rather than deep, gloomy wells, lets have sparkling oceans and splashing waterfalls.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog, and here’s a hug (a virtual one) to you. I hope you’re feeling better. 🙂

  2. I totally understand what you are going through. Unfortunately I have gone the self harm highway. It makes me feel good, and acts like an outlet for my anger. I figure better to hurt my self physically, than to hurt my family, especially my three kids, mentally. They did not sign up for this the cruise to hell. Thanks for our chat the other day. It was very helpful. It is nice to know that I have someone that I can turn to.

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