Speaking Up and Falling Down

Me being thrown during my black belt test

I’ve got things I want to say but I’m not sure how to say them. When I’m angry, I have no trouble spewing out whatever is on my mind – and then some. But it’s a whole other story when I’m not raging. And those are the important times. Recently, the issue and discussion (or fear thereof) is about health insurance. We don’t have any. My meds are running out and we’re not getting any younger.

There’s a different feel to speaking up for something as opposed to ranting. When it’s shot down or disagreed with, I feel like I’ve been picked up and slammed down.  I cringe and shrivel up inside having spoken up and not met with agreement but discord. I feel stupid. Worthless. Insignificant. Fretful. And for some reason, a little afraid.

Should I acquiesce so easily, only sharing my concerns when I’m raging in anger and frustration? Then, I’m the crazy mother, the wife who has no excuse for her behavior (as opposed to the son who is, after all, only acting like the 16 year old he is.) I know this sounds like a lot of negativity about my husband. In his defense, he’s lived with me and my erratic behavior and emotional instability and fragility for over 30 years.  He’s tired. My response seems to be grinding my teeth at night (a real treat when I’m already wearing a cpap mask!), holding my breath and avoiding topics that seem to be constantly on my mind.

When the 16 year old was younger, we didn’t argue so often.

 

The answer is up to me. He tells me that I’m free to buy insurance with what money we have – and it’s a bit, but I expected it to be for housing and groceries and such for later years in life. I also suck when it comes to money matters and making decisions. My anxiety goes into overdrive and I can’t seem to tell the difference between A or B even if they are the only two options provided. The only other alternative is my returning to work, even though I’m not quite ready. Master’s degree in hand, I may end up taking a job in a pet store,that offers insurance to employees, because it will be less stressful that trying to find and obtain a job that utilizes all of my education and experience.  If that’s the case, I’m ok with it. Who knows – it may be a foot in the door with the company and lead to more as I am ready to take it on.

Our pup carrying her basket of toys to the living room

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