Faster than a speeding bullet – or the rebound of Forest Gump’s ping pong ball

A typical CPAP mask. The opening goes over the...UGGGGGGHHHHH! I had a whole post typed out and something happened and it’s gone except for this friggin picture and the caption below. F*%&K! I want to throw my laptop across the room.

I feel like I’m trapped in my mask sometimes. And I have to wear it every night for the rest of my life. My airway is too narrow. At least I don’t keep my husband and son awake anymore. Sometimes my  anxiety makes me feel trapped in it and I want to cut off all of my hair.

OK I’ll try again. My BPD is acting up again. I want to write but can’t replicate what Id written and lost earlier. I talked myself down (up?) from some low points, but I’m still feeling strangled. I may come back to edit this post again later. Stop back in. I’m the ping pong ball traveling faster than a speeding bullet though. Last night, I was on the brink. Strangled by anxiety and emotions. Pills I haven’t used in a long time were called upon to help me sleep, I didn’t like that, but I need to sleep. Right?


7 thoughts on “Faster than a speeding bullet – or the rebound of Forest Gump’s ping pong ball

    • Oh I hope you are right! I feel more suicidal now than I think I ever have! But I don’t want to die – I just want “this” to end! I feel very hopeless about my life. It seems like I bring more harm and sorrow to others than anything else. And if that’s the case, what good am I as a life here on Earth?

      • There is no way that you bring harm and sorrow to others. They just don’t know how to relate to you. Hold on to not wanting to die because that says that you have a wonderful reason to be here. All of these things change. We make them unbearable by struggling against them rather than just surrendering to how we feel now, and knowing that it will change soon.

  1. I didn’t know you had written, it had been awhile between posts but since you had commented a few times I felt like I was still “checking in”. 🙂

    I can’t imagine how hard it is to wear a mask (literal mask) with anxiety. If the pills are prescribed to help you sleep I don’t see why you shouldn’t take them. But of course, besides sleeping pills (because I’m terrified of actually sleeping!) I’ll take whatever someone hands me! A white van pulls up with a guy saying he wants me to help find his puppy and he’ll give me candy if I do… I take the candy and run. 🙂 Ya, don’t do that. Caution is good.

    I can relate to a lot of what you’re (hopefully were) going through. Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps you to have a place to vent, and know that it helps me and others too who need someone to relate to!

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