It’s been awhile since my last post. I was feeling depresses for so much of the summer that I’m sure my posts weren’t too exciting to follow. Then, about a week ago, I started feeling good again! Our house was about to close and my husband was coming to join my son and me in our new home. I felt GOOD! Good. good. This is how it was all suppose to go, right? everything was on track. Even our shipping containers are showing up a few days early – this coming Monday. So why do I feel like crap tonight?
Why? I know why. My husband and I were out on our deck chatting, in the dark, about the quiet and how things are in our new neighborhood. He realized that is was time for an animation to be shown (that he has seen several times) and went inside to watch it. I felt shuffled to the side for a repeated show that is also available as an instant watch on the internet. I wandered around outside for a bit, mopey. No tears, but found myself picking at and hitting a slowly healing burn on my leg. Feeling not worthless, but worth-little. Also noticing – again – how little physical contact my husband chooses to have with me in our daily living. Don’t get me wrong, he loves me, and I know it to be very true, but it’s not his nature to be demonstrative. Unfortunately, it’s my nature to crave it. What a dilemma! And it continues still after 30 years of marriage. No wonder I am the anomaly and still portray BPD post 40’s. I’m stuck and can’t figure out how to get past this. Any suggestions? Ending the marriage is NOT an option. We do love each other very much. It’s a rock and a hard place situation.