50

The big  5 0 creeps upon me in a few short hours. I sit here contemplating what my life has been up to this point, and where it might meander to from here on out. There are days that are filled with sunny hopes of joy and possibilities. Then there are the down moments when I feel like an elderly Eskimo who should be put out on an ice floe to wait out her time until it melts and the end comes. One blogger mentioned that BPD seems to age out during your 40’s. Mine seems to have flared up again, perhaps due to stress in my life. It makes me wonder, though, at which point, if any, it will wither away for me. For years it primarily manifested as depression and outbursts of anger. But it has gotten so much stronger this past year. It has overtaken me, and the medications don’t seem to be doing much to help. I can’t even imagine what I would be like without them though! I’m still waiting for my medical insurance application forms which will include a list of doctors and therapists (including those who do DBT.) Hopefully it will come in the next few days. Then I can make some appointments and at least let them know I have applied for the coverage and hope they will accept it. There’s no way I can work right now, but I really want to be working as soon as I can. I miss working with people and feeling productive. Right now, I loose my emotions too easily. And then I can’t think straight. I want to run away from situations. I feel like such a burden to everyone. I don’t feel like any kind of a parent to my son. I’m barely here for him psychologically. At some point, I want to tell my story. The story of my life and how my behaviors and thought patterns have gone. there’s some different stuff in there that is really twisted, even in regards to BPD. I don’t know how to explain it, except to tell the whole thing – sometime in the next 50 years. For those of you out there who are in your 20’s and 30’s … don’t blink too fast. Time does fly. And if you have kids … believe what all the older folks say. If you’re changing diapers today, you’ll be watching them graduate from high school tomorrow. Don’t forget to give them a hug and always tell them that you love them. No matter what.

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