It doesn’t matter how many people follow my blog. there are a few regulars that I am thankful for. John the Aussie, Gypsy, Sailor, Mandi, and Jensinewall who tend to check in fairly regularly. You are my blogging friends and I treasure you as if I knew you in flesh and blood. It doesn’t matter about regular comments. It’s like my sister calling me from DC every day or so just to see how I’m doing and that I’m still here. Thank you. The last few days have had wretched moments (I think I borrowed that word from Sailor and Jensine) as my son and I have good times and then fall into terrible fights. I don’t’ know how much he knows about my BPD, or wants/should know, but it has me really struggling. I’m secluding myself and having a hard time refraining from self harm. Last night, I was up very late, for me, after a bad fight, and he seems to put it all on me. And I take it on and want to punish myself. I’m not eating. I’m drinking more, sleeping less, cutting off the scabs from burns. Last night I was cutting and now I have  a beer in one hand and am thinking of taking some sleeping pills for an afternoon nap.

In two weeks my husband will be here. It will end a six week separation that seems like a lifetime! Daily phone calls have not been enough. I can’t ask him to solve problems between my son and myself from 2000 miles away. In 2 days I’ll be 50 years old for God’s sake! I know I’m beating myself up over all this, but it sucks. I want and NEED to get past it. I won’t give my life up to this F%&ING BPD! I just want to go to sleep and have it all go away. Right now I’m debating a sleeping pill and beer or reburning a descabbed burn. I feel deflated and just want today to end. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Depression flows over me in waves. My son seems oblivious. No one else here knows me enough to be aware. I am ALONE. What will make it all go away?


15 thoughts on “Ramblings

  1. Oh dear, I guess we weren’t quick enough. But I feel the same as you, I feel like I care a lot even though we have never met in real life, but I guess we don’t need to.
    I hope two weeks will go quickly for you. I hope his smell hasn’t faded too much from your t shirt.
    But even though it feels really lonely, you’re not really alone because we are here and thinking of you xox

  2. I have an idea of what you can do, it might not solve your problems but it will be something to help all of us. The research on BPD says you age out of BPD in your 40’s but you said you are going to be 50 – and it seems you still suffer from strong BPD symptoms. I’m not sure you realize this but you can do something very important right now. You can do a post on the Myths of BPD. I’ve never read an article written by someone who is 50 and has strong BPD symptoms. You would be the first one to write this and it would be important because the current research on BPD is so limited. So many gaps. Writing the post might be cathartic. Who knows?

  3. That’s food for thought. I never sought or had treatment for it but just pushed through (my poor husband!) for years. I never knew it was something that could be treated, just thought I was out of control at times and kind of crazy. I’ve been like this since I was a teenager. High functioning and over achieving. Wonder where I’d be if I’d actually had treatment. I’m actually lucky to be alive after all the stunts I’ve pulled. Alive despite myself. Must be a reason.

  4. No worries!

    Have you tried running or jogging to take up those spare moments ‘alone with your thoughts’? I’ve had a few friends take up running to squash their depression (exercise releases toxins that are a natural anti depressant and remove the toxins that act as a depressant). They’ve found it addicting, a great meditative task and feel prouder of themselves.

    They also say the hardest part was getting off the couch / pc chair. This I can understand, I’m battling getting up to now the lawn now.

    • The exercise is a good idea. During the day, I spend a lot of time doing hard work outside: cutting brush and branches and working in the garden. I also walk and swim and that helps take my mind off of things. You can feel the exercise pulling the toxins out! It’s the late night hours the are my downfall. Nights are dangerous hours for me. It’ll be better once my husband joins me. It’ll also get better once I can start seeing a doctor again and have someone face to face to talk to. I’m feeling isolated, and I knew I would. I’m really grateful for you guys! Remember when I thought you’d stopped following me and I emailed you in desperation of abandonment of one of my few followers?! LOL

  5. I find that I need to surrender to the idea that my children will act like teenagers. I remember how it was with my mother and our battles – we were both unreasonable. If I can try to patiently live through the stress of the teenager and often that means not being contrary and only listening, I can be at peace. I also have to surrender to my depression when it is at its worst, just giving up to the fact that this is the pain now and it will be gone soon, maybe sooner if I exercise or get more sleep.

    • Thanks Carl, I do need to surrender to my depression and not let it make matters worse. Taking a walk, working in my garden or out side (exercise- as John recommended) or going to sleep earlier are all things that can help. When we’re not fighting, he’s a great kid to hang out with. Im just so afraid of my mental illness impacting our relationship. 🙂

      Right now, the depression is about as bad as its ever been. Peace sounds wonderful. I’ll have to try and write a poem.

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