It doesn’t matter how many people follow my blog. there are a few regulars that I am thankful for. John the Aussie, Gypsy, Sailor, Mandi, and Jensinewall who tend to check in fairly regularly. You are my blogging friends and I treasure you as if I knew you in flesh and blood. It doesn’t matter about regular comments. It’s like my sister calling me from DC every day or so just to see how I’m doing and that I’m still here. Thank you. The last few days have had wretched moments (I think I borrowed that word from Sailor and Jensine) as my son and I have good times and then fall into terrible fights. I don’t’ know how much he knows about my BPD, or wants/should know, but it has me really struggling. I’m secluding myself and having a hard time refraining from self harm. Last night, I was up very late, for me, after a bad fight, and he seems to put it all on me. And I take it on and want to punish myself. I’m not eating. I’m drinking more, sleeping less, cutting off the scabs from burns. Last night I was cutting and now I have a beer in one hand and am thinking of taking some sleeping pills for an afternoon nap.
In two weeks my husband will be here. It will end a six week separation that seems like a lifetime! Daily phone calls have not been enough. I can’t ask him to solve problems between my son and myself from 2000 miles away. In 2 days I’ll be 50 years old for God’s sake! I know I’m beating myself up over all this, but it sucks. I want and NEED to get past it. I won’t give my life up to this F%&ING BPD! I just want to go to sleep and have it all go away. Right now I’m debating a sleeping pill and beer or reburning a descabbed burn. I feel deflated and just want today to end. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Depression flows over me in waves. My son seems oblivious. No one else here knows me enough to be aware. I am ALONE. What will make it all go away?