Blogging has really been a big help to me, of that there is no doubt, but as I wind my way through the insurance maze of paper work, time, and red tape all the while trying to deal with all these emotions – and wanting to stab my leg or burn or cut or take too many sleeping or anxiety pills, all I can think is, I need a therapist so I can actually get going with therapy instead of just “maintaining” until I’m with a therapist who does DBT. After all, it’s been six months of maintaining and I have moved and yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I’ve got to be doing some serious therapy soon or I’m in big trouble. I’ve been dog paddling in the deep end of the pool for too long now and I’m getting pretty tired. I took two sleeping pills and an anxiety pill to help me sleep tonight, after having a drink. Won’t do more than that, and shouldn’t. But want to. Just so tired of all this dragging on. Haven’t even gotten to the starting line yet. Always a delay. My saving grace is that I lose track of how long I’ve been “maintaining” and waiting for my “real” therapy to start. Can’t think straight time-wise. Feels like forever though. Feels like it’ll never happen. Another abandonment? I hope not. I’ve spent fifty years like this, and it’s time to flip the LP (for those who remember them). My husband just reminded me of the closing words to the Willie Wonka move, “what happens to people who get everything they want? …. They live happily ever after.” I know it’s different for those of us with BPD, but I know there is some semblance of similarity to that statement for us as well for happily ever after to occur. That is what I want. I think the key word would be balanced emotions. I want to experience them all, but not to the nth degree! Especially all the time! That’s my goal. Now let’s get going with therapy!
Blogging helps, but I need a therapist!