Fear

I talked to my husband today about all of the back pain he is having. We both agreed that it will probably be a good idea to send our son back to WI to help with the packing. He and I are back to our arguing here, so time away from being with just me would be to his liking too. But my fear is being here … Alone. Not that I mind being alone, but I don’t take such good care of myself when I’m alone and my thoughts stay inward.

How did I function in a job? Leading meetings? Writing plans? How did I earn a masters degree while doing everything else? And a family? And having an intern? And seeming competent? Once the crack appeared in the facade, there was no turning back. No Dutch boy to plug the hole in the dike with his finger … All my years of attempting to cope have come crashing and crumbling upon me and I’ve got to empty it all off of and out of me to see who I am before I can proceed forward with life. No wonder I’ve transplanted my family into an area where roads make hairpin turns and rockslides can be expected to hamper your path unexpectedly. Control burns take place for safety .. Is that what I do to myself also?

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9 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I hope you get through your alone time more peacefully than you’re anticipating. Many of the women i have connected with here were once, or still are, high functioning, I was too. It IS shocking how seamlessly it can all disintegrate – I didn’t pick up on it until after my 1st suicide attempt. Hope your move is a therapeutic one. Hugs.

  2. You’re not alone. I’ll spit into the wind and I bet it’ll get to you. It does have to make it over the pass but tomorrow is supposed to be windy. 🙂 I know what you mean. I haven’t been allowed to be alone too often, never over night. I don’t mind though, I’m not being controlled, I’m being protected. And it’s well known that if I want to do something I’ll do it. No use in trying to hide alcohol, or sharps. (I just realized that I could BUY alcohol myself like I always did. Dude. I’m over 30. WTF) Blog a lot. It helps me so much. I get an enormous amount of shit from people I know because well… I know them and that don’t have an f’ing CLUE what BPD is all about and really don’t want to try. Most anyway. But for you all, blog blog away. I’m not jealous or anything. (that was sarcastic in case you didn’t pick that up) Seriously though, it will help. And maybe see stuff! Have you been downtown? Have you tried all the candy samples? I wish I was there right now. Ok, not right now cus it’s almost 2am but I wish I was going to be there tomorrow.

    I’m wondering…. I only started blogging in January, and am still piecing everyone’s stories together. It seems like there are more than one that led a pretty normal life before all THIS. Is that what happened with you? Everything was alright, you were keeping it together, then fell apart?

    When I look back I can see BPD qualities, and unfortunately other people have pointed certain things out now too. But I thought I just had general anxiety and OCD, diagnosed back in 2000. I should have been diagnosed with BPD then. It was obvious. But I had SO much control over my feelings that I was different. The meds helped the OCD and the anxiety (which was actually much more complicated, but whatever, the meds worked) and I went on with life as normal. Until a year ago! I’m wondering how many have had almost always known they had BPD, or at least the characteristics. Or how many woke up to it one morning. I’ve only known BPD existed for about 7 months.

    Anyway, I often think back and wonder how the hell I got through life. How I did SO much, multitasking freak. I didn’t FORGET stuff. Ya I had no clue or desire to be emotionally close past a certain extent… but that’s just ingrained. How could we not know?

    Dang it! I always write too much!

    Mandi

    • You never write too much! I think I’ve had this since I was a teen (35 years ago) but not addressed until now. Life just imploded on me with all it’s changes and I could no longer make any pretense of keeping it together. I’ve had outbursts my whole life but never really did anything about it except for my hospitalization for bulimia 20 years ago and that didn’t help much. Antidepressants are the only other thing I’ve tried: health wise. I’ve used drugs, alcohol, cutting burning, purging, work, school and I don’t know what else to keep me distracted over extended unavailable you name it from my feelings, myself whatever. Now I’m at the breaking point.

      Visualize

      • Maybe that’s what I did, use distraction to avoid the underlying feelings I didn’t even know I had. I wasn’t allowed to feel, then didn’t want to feel. Maybe that’s a big part of what kept me going for so long. When I started to feel a little bit I acted out. I did/do a lot of the thing’s you’ve mentioned but I’ve learned through therapy that the majority of my self harm is sub conscience. I self sabotage even though I don’t want to or most of the time know I do it. For instance, I’ll surround myself by people who will judge and hurt me. Or, when I was working I would allow myself to be walked all over by the business owner. (I contracted) I could have gotten straight A’s in school but I self sabotaged that. AND was mostly able to manipulate my way around the system. Which I never thought a bad thing because it didn’t hurt anyone else. I wouldn’t manipulate myself into a spot that would push someone else out, for example. I keep a distance between myself and especially my husband and children and justify it easily. It will hurt them less if I die.
        I’ve always had a “mission”. I had a mission to keep my husband alive, improve treatment conditions for veterans, then it was to change the foster care system. There’s always been something. But in the last 5 years or so I had more “somethings”. Maybe it was just the pressure mounting, I needed more and more to distract. And then It all collapsed!
        I dunno, probably never will know exactly how it all came about. But I think I’m learning more. I thought I knew myself SO well. And I’ve always been able to read other people well. So crazy to suddenly find out that much of what you thought was true, isn’t.

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