Here’s where it gets tricky … I made some good choices, decisions on my own that I felt good about. Felt good. Now, as I settle back and start to feel comfortable, the anxiety rushes in and the urge to self harm (cut and burn) rises. Why does this happen? I find this very perplexing. Is it all about not being OK with life being OK? Do I really need to create havoc in my life? I’m sitting in the library and the local hardware store is just across the street. I left my Exacto knives back in Wisconsin, but it would only take a few minutes to walk over and buy a new one, sharp and clean. A passion rises up in my chest at the thought of it. It can become an addiction, a reaction to strong emotions. Yesterday was filled with the anxiety and fear of buying a car. A little while ago, my husband called about a couple who had come to see the house and were thrilled with it, and had just sold their old house, I may have made some new friends today (so lots of intense emotions going on – on top of missing my husband) I REALLY WANT TO CUT!!!!!!!! And if I call anyone, I won’t cut, so that tells me what???? That I don’t want to get better? That I’m not ready? That I’m not ready to be open and honest about giving up behaviors? HOW do I do this???? I also had a conversation this morning with a local teacher. That had me thinking about work, insurance, will I be able to work, how much, my disability and where my claim is at, the phone call I made to my psychiatrist’s office this morning about my medication …. that might have added to the anxiety a little …. I also woke up very early … ended up sleeping on the floor in my husband’s t-shirt. When my son woke me up I started crying. Then I smile and act normal – everything’s A-OK! But I really want to cut. Tally marks in my leg until my husband is out here with us. But would that be enough then, or would I need more? What will ever be enough?
Some days, be it one at a time or a run of many, I feel so completely normal that I could do anything asked of me or that I chose to do. Other days, like today, my insides are a whirling dervish of emotions, thoughts, ideas, and everything is on hyper-drive with thoughts changing before they have even completely formed. My breathing barely makes it to the back of my teeth, much less down into my diaphragm!
Alone is not a good place for me to be. And that is where I am right now. OK – I’m not going to go to the hardware store. Today.