Fail and Burn

Master Lock

Master Lock (Photo credit: Pinachina)

I didn’t cut, but I didn’t make it. My son went to watch a movie and I was home alone, at a time I would usually be going to bed. But I couldn’t because I was going to have to go pick him up in a couple of hours. I really struggled. I looked around for something to cut with, but there was nothing but a dull pocket knife and a duller paring knife. All I really wanted was some small wound I could rub during my anxious moment (ummm, all day) like a worry doll. So I ended up burning the back of my neck because that is where I tend to rub anyways. Too much thought? I tend to think too much. First, blown out matches, then, a heated up heavy duty master lock because it really held the heat. The matches didn’t. I blew them out because I didn’t want my hair to catch on fire. I self harm, but I’m not suicidal. I do want to find a way out of this and be around to see the beauty of life and the world, my son as a man, and maybe a husband and father. There are many things I’d like to do that won’t happen if I’m dead. My self harm is coping, diversionary and a release for anxiety and anger, frustration and sadness. Sometimes, it’s even when I’m happy or excited. Go figure?

I’m getting more anxious about a new therapist. And wondering if DBT is the right kind of therapy for me. Research time. And I had a conversation with my old psychiatrist yesterday that really made me rethink my first impression of him. When I first me him, I left the session and sent emails to my GP and psychologist saying I refused to work with him, he didn’t seem to know anything bla bla bla (black and white thinking). Well, as I talked to him yesterday, he told me that he called my insurance company and talked directly to the doctor who decides on if you will be granted disability or not. That doctor had decided basically not to give it to me because of my move – not based on my psychological condition. So when my doc (Dr H) called, and it turned out actually knew him, he really advocated for me based on my condition. It doesn’t matter where I’m living, I’m not in any condition to be teaching right now. I have a disability. When I am able to teach, I will be released back to work by me current doctor. So, he’s fairly confident that the disability will be approved for now. It was only to be through the remainder of the school year (early June) and not permanent, but I know insurance companies have to try and avoid all costs. My main thought here is that Dr H really changed in my eyes. He’s still a little soft spoken, but I think he’s on my side and that’s what matters.

Hoping for a harm free day. No promises, but I think I’ll be with my son all day so that should help.



5 thoughts on “Fail and Burn

  1. I know how you feel. Anxiety is such a crippiling disorder. It is so hard to “live” when your head is over thinking and worrying about everything under the sun. For me it is the what if’s. I have turned to cutting as my
    release mechanism. i feel so much better after it is done. Feeling the pain, watching the blood. I am in charge, and no one can hurt me, but me! I have to do it on my upper thighs so that my husband and kids to do not see my deep dark secret. I feel for you, and am thinking of you at this diificult time.

  2. Please do not repeat this to my family. I am doing good, and do not want to kill myself. I was to the ER the other day. The nurse and I had a nice talk, and I am ok. My cutting is not severe, so no need to worry about me. Thanks

    • I won’t. But you understand why I worry. I know where it can go and how easily it can escalate. Is there something going on that you want to talk about? You can call any time at all. Any time!


  3. Thank you. Nothing really going on to cause it. It is nothing serious. As you told me, it is adictive. I am doing it less now, as my depression from my bi-polar is kicking in. I do not want to do anything, journal, cut, nothing. My bi-polar signs are starting to show up, so gotta keep and eye on them( depression, agression, and paranoia. It is slowly spinning out of control. At least I know the signs, and can keep everything in check. Thanks for your concern.

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