California

This could end up being a lengthy post so let me begin by saying that it is my first official morning as a California resident and I suddenly was filled to the brim with emotions of sadness. Yesterday was hard, though not as much as I anticipated, until later in the evening after my son had done nothing but tell me how bad my driving was (he was great in other ways, but not about my driving) and bla bla bla until I almost lost it and came close to putting my fist through a wall. I think I took twice as much lorazepam , spread out over the day, as I usually do because my anxiety was so high. But I did leave a message for my psychiatrist to let him know that I had done so. I would have been in a full blown panic attack in the air if I hadn’t taken the extra. I’m sure the passengers and crew appreciated my decisions on each leg of the flight. I did get a couple of texts throughout the day that reminded me that I was not alone. They helped and made me smile for a few moments. Other than the driving thing, my son was great!

So now is the first day of the rest of my life, as they say. Is it OK that I slept with the sweaty t-shirt that my husband last wore (and was about to throw out) curled around my head? I put it in a plastic bag this morning to help keep his smell there longer. I have no idea when I’ll see him and my heart is already breaking with missing him.

With the emotions come the urges to self harm, but not suicidal. Lots of urges. So far, no actions, just urges.

I need to get my day going. I have a long list of things to do that go along with this job of … Shudddddderr … being on your own for a while. I have to remember to breathe deeper than my chin or throat, and to do it often! Then I should be OK. One breath at a time.

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6 thoughts on “California

    • I managed to open a savings account – then had a major melt down, bawling and trying to talk to my husband back in Wisconsin about money I thought I’d lost. Turned out I hadn’t, but for about half an hour I felt like I’d already proved myself incapable. Whew! Made it through task number one!

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