The last few days have been a bit more settled. I’ve actually been able to relax a bit and take some time to have some time to talk with Dave, which we haven’t had in a while. Last night, my brother came into town to see my parents and he asked how my parents are doing. I brought him up to speed and then we talked about how my mom is doing with me moving … hard. And how am I doing with moving away from her … hard. Today I found myself keeping really busy. A sure sign of anxiety, avoidance. The busier I am, the less time and energy I have to think about it and less likely I am to get upset.
My mind fills with “what ifs” and “I still need to …” Time passes too quickly yet not quickly enough.It seems just yesterday that I was 4 years old and hiding in the back seat of my mom’s car because I didn’t want her to go to work. I remember how frightened and ashamed I was in second grade when I said I couldn’t go to school “because I couldn’t find my favorite blue sweater” (It was really Iowa Basics testing day) and my mom had to come home from work as a teacher, break a window in the garage to get into the house where she then found me hiding under my bed. She then took me to school. But she was also willing to try and make it work for me to have a horse as a teenager, even though we couldn’t afford it. She tried to do EVERYTHING she could for our family. It always came first. I feel so guilty leaving her, putting myself first, even though I’m now almost 50. I love you Mom.