Today’s a trial of paperwork, tears, paranoia, emotions run amuck

When you think of mental illness, is this what...

When you think of mental illness, is this what you see? (Photo credit: JenXer)

Yesterday I received a call from the the insurance person saying they needed more paperwork … sigh! So I  ran around trying to, in the midst of everything else in my world, go about filling out medical disclosure fax forms and getting them to the records departments. Luckily I live close to the facilities the records are at.

This morning, I woke up in one of those moods where my emotions were all over the place. I remembered mentioning to one person that while on FMLA I would be able to spend some time getting my house ready for sale. Suddenly I was freaking out that they thought I was abusing the leave JUST to get my house ready for sale! That thought quickly led to my conversation with the insurance person who had mentioned part of a report mentioning my black belt and that I taught karate. I then was freaking that they thought I was able to teach karate, but not work, even though I had mentioned that teaching karate was a way of giving back, but had become harder and harder for me to do, emotionally. That led to me trying to contact her by phone, I got her voice mail, started to leave a message and broke down in tears, barley getting out my name before I hung up. Later, I was able to call back and leave a more coherent message.

I then send a text message to a teacher at school asking if she would meet me at 5 a.m. or on Saturday to get my thing, but at a time when the principal wouldn’t be there. I can’t do it alone, don’t want to see “the evil one”, and am paranoid that they have deactivated my magnetic key. I’m afraid of being ambushed.

So far, my morning has been filled with fear, tears, paranoia, whooshing sounds in my ears, trying to seem normal in front of my husband (who just got up) and wanting to crawl under the covers and hide. Maybe my morning meds just haven’t kicked in yet. I’ve paced from window to window, watching the birds, wondering what I should do or be doing.

I did get in touch with the medical records person and ask her to put a rush on it, and it seems like she will try to. Maybe she heard the underlying desperation in my voice. I’m wondering if I should see if I can see my psychiatrist tonight.    —-    Just checked, he’s not in until Saturday.


8 thoughts on “Today’s a trial of paperwork, tears, paranoia, emotions run amuck

  1. I too have been filling out paper work, and having phone conversations. With all I need to do to file for the social security disability, I feel as if I am doing enough paper work to adopt a baby. I also feel guility/paranoid about trying to get disability, especially since it is for a mental health issue. “government” people do not know what is going on in my head. Yes, they do have access to my medical/hospital records, but how I look, and act now does not reflect how I look’ and feel on the inside at the moment. Will they consider the kind of work that I do, and how dangerous it could be for the people that I care for? I would not want myself caring for one of my family members. I hope that the social services people will look at the entire picture. I am so affraid that I wil be denied, then what will I do? I am affraid to find out ): If you were not crazy before the paper work is complete, you sure will be afterwards!! (jk) Good luck on getting your stuff from the school. If all else fails…use karate. hiiiii yah!

    • As I said to Jensine, Hoops to jump through, we are who we are. Granted or denied. Does our life change? Do we suddenly become OK if they deny us? No, But we must continue on, As long as there is life, there is hope. We may be “crazy” even if no one else acknowledges it of understands it. We can not give up on trying to understand ourselves and finding some sense of balance in our lives. The names may change, the diagnosis and treatments may change. But we are still here, us, no matter what the names are. We still matter.

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