Why do I suddenly want to cry?

I’ve been browsing some posts, doing some writing and thinking, watching a Will Smith movie on tv, feeling restless. One post I was reading had to do with posting pictures of your best friends. My husband has always been my best friend. I don’t know that I’m his, but I consider him mine because, well because he’s always been with me and I love him more than anything. I want to be with him forever. I don’t really have “friends”. Not that people don’t like me and I don’t like them  – but there’s no one who wants to hang out with me – kind of thing.

I wanted to delete this paragraph because it seems like a wimpy feel sorry for myself  kind of thing is what I’m writing about about – but it isn’t. So I’m going to leave it in. It was just an aside based on a post I read.

Anyway, after some of the reading, writing and thinking I’ve been doing, I suddenly want to cry. Laughter seems to come so readily to everyone. I know it has to me … in the past. And it still does, on very rare occasions. Sadness and  emptiness fill me. When there is a surge of emotion, it is anger. Is it possible to reinvent myself? Can I fake it until I make it? I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I have been happy. I watch my son and husband chatting and laughing together and try and remember when I was that way. I’m always so somber now and have a hard time finding the humor in situations. I miss gut wrenching crying (even peeing in my pants) laughter. Although the latter was a bit embarrassing! LOL just doesn’t cut it for me these days.

4 thoughts on “Why do I suddenly want to cry?

  1. I hope my post wasnt triggering.

    I know how you feel. Ive just recently gotten my ability to laugh back, and its still very hard at times. The past few years I had felt like I had completely lost my sense of humor. Things that I know would have made me laugh in the past, nothing, just empty. I hope with your new therapy you will be able to get at least some of the laughter back.

    • No, not triggering … I know times are changing right now. He’s still my best friends. Right now I’m also feeling a real connection with fellow bloggers who are helping me to write about – everything. I can’t do that with other people. You guys have become my friends. Hope you don’t mind! I love reading your posts. I was so happy you made it to the Manson concert. I’m struggling with going to one in 2 weeks myself. The Wall. It will be very emotional for me. I was looking through pictures today and was hard put to find ANY of me, much less of me laughing. Hope that will change as the year moves on. Thanks for reading my posts and for sharing so much of yourself.

  2. I may not be your “best” friend, but I do consider you one of my closest dearest friends. I cannot really relate to your deep sadness, but I do feel for you. I do remember the “old” laughing, peeing your pants Catherine. I have such fond memories from those times. Peter and Chris best friends, and cute as could be…we weren’t so bad either-ha ha. I hope that you soon begin to feel better. As you know that I have my own problems as well. Why does life have to be so darn hard?

    • Thanks, you are one of my dearest friends. We can strike up a conversation after years and it seems to have only been days. A true friend! Love ya!


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