I’ve been browsing some posts, doing some writing and thinking, watching a Will Smith movie on tv, feeling restless. One post I was reading had to do with posting pictures of your best friends. My husband has always been my best friend. I don’t know that I’m his, but I consider him mine because, well because he’s always been with me and I love him more than anything. I want to be with him forever. I don’t really have “friends”. Not that people don’t like me and I don’t like them – but there’s no one who wants to hang out with me – kind of thing.
I wanted to delete this paragraph because it seems like a wimpy feel sorry for myself kind of thing is what I’m writing about about – but it isn’t. So I’m going to leave it in. It was just an aside based on a post I read.
Anyway, after some of the reading, writing and thinking I’ve been doing, I suddenly want to cry. Laughter seems to come so readily to everyone. I know it has to me … in the past. And it still does, on very rare occasions. Sadness and emptiness fill me. When there is a surge of emotion, it is anger. Is it possible to reinvent myself? Can I fake it until I make it? I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I have been happy. I watch my son and husband chatting and laughing together and try and remember when I was that way. I’m always so somber now and have a hard time finding the humor in situations. I miss gut wrenching crying (even peeing in my pants) laughter. Although the latter was a bit embarrassing! LOL just doesn’t cut it for me these days.