An Ahaaa moment that I’m not really comfortable with

I’m been off of work since the beginning of March because of stress and anxiety. Between everything that was going on there, everything with my parents, and everything with my own life and upcoming move … it was becoming too much for me to handle. Today I finally realized what all those activities where doing. They were distracting me from experiencing emotions; emotions that have I’ve been harboring for years in addition to emotion about everything that I’m dealing with now. And all of these emotions make me want to run and hide. I don’t like them and I don’t know what to do with them. My skin feels like it’s crawling all over and it’s hard to sit still for more than a few minutes. But then it’s hard to stay focused doing anything for more than a few minutes also. I keep drifting from task to task. Some of it meaningful, some pointless, some anxiety driven (like cutting my bangs shorter and shorter.) Our house has been gotten in order, so there’s not much that needs to be done on a daily basis, leaving me with time … time to feel these emotions. That’s becoming uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Does anyone else ever feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it? I’ve been wrapping up in a blanket on the couch, but it’s getting a little hot for that.

 

Anxiety

Anxiety (Photo credit: Alaina Abplanalp Photography)

Last night I met with my psychiatrist and discussed how things are going since going off of Lamotrigine (it had caused me to gain 25 pounds in 2 months and was starting to trigger eating disorder behaviors again) and switching to Topomax (the only mood stabilizer I could find that didn’t have weight gain as a side effect). Luckily, my doctor felt that it was a viable alternative and supported switching. I don’t know what I would have done if he had insisted I stay on the Lamotrigine because I don’t think I could have done that, yet I know I need a mood stabilizer. Now I’ve been on the Topomax for three weeks and haven’t gained any more weight – YEA!! One small victory. Now my dose is being increased a little and I’m taking something for anxiety so we’ll see if that helps. I have a feeling this may get worse before it gets better, what with our move almost 4 weeks away and then the whole settling in process. Creepy skin time settling in again.

Anxiety

Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)

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3 thoughts on “An Ahaaa moment that I’m not really comfortable with

  1. OMG! that was the cause of my last hospital stay, back in February. I had a major melt down, and pretty much had a functioning black out. I
    asked the Target emplyee for a gun, threatened to jump out of the car on the interstate, and continually hummed. This was all told to me by my 16 year old son. This killed me. When I asked the doctor why this happened, he said it was a build up of stress and other feelings, and my body could not take it any more. It was a shock to me, and a test of how strong your body really is, or maybe even protective in my case, or at least I think so?

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