I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Rodger Waters (previously of Pink Floyd) and his epic piece The Wall that was originally produced and performed 33 years ago. Well, my husband, son and I are going to see him in Chicago in June. I just got done watching an interview with him on 60 Minutes and it reminded me of how powerful The Wall is. A childhood without a father, walls between relationships, desperateness. It will be a great show – and emotionally overwhelming. I know parts will hit very close to sensitive nerves.I may just wish to become … comfortably numb.
The last few days have been especially emotional for me as I deal with impending separation/loss of friends and family due to our move. Every bit of sadness seems to send me over the edge. Every disagreement spurs a rage in defense of a possible loss. Abandonment seems to surround me. I’m afraid to speak out. When I do, if there is disagreement, it rapidly escalates (by me). Last night, my husband went to help chaperone a party the neighbor boys were having for our son, knowing that if I did and anything needed an intervention I would over react. He did need to address a situation with a boy, and was able to do it. When he told me how it had evolved today, I realized how much I would have over reacted and probably ended the night for our son, instead of just the situation. Once I start going, I don’t seem to be able to rein it back in until the damage has been done. And I seem to have to shame others in it as well. That’s really shitty.
Tomorrow is the last day I will be seeing my psychologist before I move next month. She’s going into private practice (part time.) My anxiety is increasing as the move gets closer. I think that’s why the sad emotions are getting so out of whack. I don’t seem to be getting quite as angry, so that’s good.
I’ve been frustrated with my mom because she’s obviously having some difficulty with us moving, but trying to hide it. I’ve invited her over for coffee Tuesday morning. I’m going to attempt to (as another blogger said) use sand paper to pop a pimple. Hopefully, if it’s just the two of us, I can help her to actually open up and maybe cry with me about it. My mom has never been one to show her sadness. Maybe showing it together will bring us closer. I know I’m taking a BIG chance here, but I can’t leave without taking this chance. I don’t think it will hurt, and it might just help us both.