Today has been a day filled with anguish. It began yesterday when I was quick to anger and picking fights with my son. It continued today. I thought I was catching it, but I wasn’t. He pointed it out and I became overwhelmed with sadness at what I was doing to our relationship, subjecting him to my emotional roller coaster of anger, sadness and manipulation. All he wanted at that point was to have nothing to do with me for the rest of the day. Thanks BPD! I was sobbing as I drove us home from my parents. Once home, he went on a walk with my husband. I wandered the yard crying and rearranging hanging plants. I decided to bring in the spider plant that my husband gave me when our son was born, 16 years ago, and hang it in the kitchen. As I hung it up, the pot broke and it crashed to the floor. I sobbed for half an hour as if the world had ended. The plant hadn’t even come out of the pot, just part of the plastic pot broke off! But my emotions were off the chart.
It might not seem like a big deal, but it’s a typical response to a small incident. Over the top. that’s BPD for you. It comes and goes. You just never know when it’s going to be there though.
So I come to my blog, which I’ve come to look at like a support group. It’s grown, slowly, but it’s growing. And today I see that my following in down by one. Sigh. Abandonment issues now arise. I don’t know who chooses to follow me or why, but to see someone choose to stop following me makes me feel like I didn’t do it right. I let them down. How? I’ll never have any way of knowing and logically I tell myself that it’s not about them, but writing for myself. But I still feel like I let them down and didn’t do it right. You know what I mean.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
- Abandonment (consciousnesstravels.wordpress.com)