Self Questioning and Fear

Feeling really angry. Want to cut and cut but I’m not. Been arguing with my son, but trying to move past it. That’s going ok.

Lately, I haven’t been angry nearly as much- yea mood stabilizer! What’s been getting me is sadness, about death. Mine, friends, family, fictional people …. I guess it’s more about loss. I can’t handle loss. And I’m moving.

How many people will I never see again? My husband will be staying here until the house is sold, so how long I’m going to go separate from him is unknown. I’m afraid that he’ll decide not to move, even after the house is sold. I know, I know. I need to check that out with him before I get all worried about it.

I also need to let my therapist know that I burned over the scars on the back of my leg. I’m sure she already knows since I’ve seen both my psychiatrist and regular doctor and , but I still need to tell her. Why did I do it? I’m not sure but some reasons might be: I was feeling lonely, anxious about selling the house, anxious , doing the sleep study after I’d already shown up a week early, being alone after moving, etc. scared.

So, back to today. The burn on my leg hurts very little. When I get angry or scared or lonely, I self harm. What kind of phrase is that anyways? Sounds like I’m plucking my eyebrows because they are too bushy. I’ve noticed that scars from burning don’t raise up as much as from cutting. And it’s faster. But I always seem to get an infection.

I know the PHP program helped some, but I can’t spend every day in therapy. All that does is remove me from my environment. Then, of course, it’s easier to not engage in those behaviors or relationship struggles. But every day life, and all it entails, can’t be shunned forever and I don’t want it to be. So what’s the big deal if I have some small cuts or burns? They do offer release. Are they any worse on my body than smoking? I don’t know! I DO know that I need to work on my coping skills, emotional tolerance, and relationship boundaries. Can there be both? I don’t know. Probably not. The release if one creates a barrier to the other. Sigh.


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