Emotional Realities

I talked to my psychiatrist about going off of Lamotrigine and on Topomax as a mood stabilizer. The Lamotrigine made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months! Not good and there was no way I could continue on that path. Trigger trigger trigger! Luckily, he agreed. The mood stabilizer really helps me regulate my anger, but lately I’ve found myself to be hyper sensitive to dieing – in movies, books, thinking about friends and family, and filling out my advance directive. That might not have been a good activity for me to do. The directive, that is. I already knew how I was reacting to thoughts of people dieing. I was doing fine, or at least ok, until I got to the part that actually said, “When you die …” I couldn’t take it! I  ran out of the house and broke down. I guess it means I’m not suicidal, even though I self harm and do picture myself doing things like driving into trees at 80 mph. What a reality check! So now I’m wondering how the Topomax will work. Does anyone have experience with it? It was the only one I could find, in all my research, that didn’t have weight gain as a significant side effect. The one thing I don’t like about  mood stabilizers is my inability to feel any emotion in a normal way. All or nothing. Put a lid on it.

In 6 weeks I will be moving 2000 miles away to a new home. If our house here doesn’t sell, I will be moving with our son while my husband stays here to finish selling the house. What does this mean? MEGA stress! It would be a stressful situation even if I didn’t have BPD. But I do. So, please keep me in your thoughts as the middle of June (and thereafter) approaches. I hope to be in a DBT  program right after the move, but nothings been set up for sure yet. I know sadness will be a difficult emotion for me to deal with during the transition. My elderly parents will be here, not there. My husband will probably be here, not there. Friends? Well I really don’t have any so that’s not a problem. I do plan on REALLY trying to make friends when I move. I know I need more of a support system than I have here, and it will be up to me to develop it.

That’s all for now.

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4 thoughts on “Emotional Realities

  1. Hang in there! The future is a trap we set for ourselves because it only exists in our minds, and it is often more dire in our minds which spoils the present. Be open to anything good that might happen. It takes courage to change medicines and it takes a lot change to find the right thing sometimes. Hang in there!

  2. I wish I had some advice on the meds but Ive never had a good experience with any. Good luck finding something that works for you, and on the move 🙂

    • Thanks. I used to work with a therapist who thought I should go off of all meds (they’re toxic) so that I could get to all the layers of emotion below – but that’s too scary for me. At least for right now. I need to be out of self harming mode securely first.

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