My first week of therapy ended on a bad note. We were walking on a path through the woods of the grounds and I got more upset with each passing minute. A little history is needed here. When I was a teen, I dated a guy who worked here. He was emotionally and sexually abusive, although I’m sure that wasn’t his intent- he just didn’t know. Anyways, the old building where he lived are gone, which is good. But we used to camp on the grounds, right where we were hiking yesterday. As we walked the paths, I thought more and more about what I had lost in that relationship: my virginity and an ability to enjoy sex in a very intimate way. The second part has had a negative impact on my sexual relationship with my husband of 30 years. It’s been emotionally very painful that he had been denied what I used to experience at a very high level. Back to Friday, the end of the week, and my reaction. I shut down for the remainder of that session (it was the last one of the day.) Afterwards, I about ran to my car and tore out of the parking lot. Luckily, I didn’t run into anything – or anybody.
Today, my husband (who has been a musician his whole life) tells me he’s selling all of his equipment. All of it. And is going to stop playing. I feel responsible because when he recently told someone that he’s a musician I had said musician … house husband. It hurt him terribly. I don’t know why I said it like that. But the result has been horrible. For him not to play music is like taking away his oxygen.
So why my title of this post? I see people who follow my posts, but no one comments, except for 2 at the very start. I feel very sad and lonely about this. I’m feeling like I can’t do anything right. I know deep inside that it’s not true, but the negative self talk is pretty strong right now. That’s a dangerous time for me and has led to a lot of cutting and burning in the past. I haven’t done anything in about a month, and it’s been hard – what with therapy and lots going on. My plan is to abstain and blogging helps. But does anyone out there actually read my posts? Does anyone relate? Is anybody out there?