Is Anybody Out There?

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My first week of therapy ended on a bad note. We were walking on a path through the woods of the grounds and I got more upset with each passing minute. A little history is needed here. When I was a teen, I dated a guy who worked here. He was emotionally and sexually abusive, although I’m sure that wasn’t his intent- he just didn’t know. Anyways, the old building where he lived are gone, which is good. But we used to camp on the grounds, right where we were hiking yesterday. As we walked the paths, I thought more and more about what I had lost in that relationship: my virginity and an ability to enjoy sex in a very intimate way. The second part has had a negative impact on my sexual relationship with my husband of 30 years. It’s been emotionally very painful that he had been denied what I used to experience at a very high level. Back to Friday, the end of the week, and my reaction. I shut down for the remainder of that session (it was the last one of the day.) Afterwards, I about ran to my car and tore out of the parking lot. Luckily, I didn’t run into anything – or anybody.

Today, my husband (who has been a musician his whole life) tells me he’s selling all of his equipment. All of it. And is going to stop playing. I feel responsible because when he recently told someone that he’s a musician I had said musician … house husband. It hurt him terribly. I don’t know why I said it like that. But the result has been horrible. For him not to play music is like taking away his oxygen.

So why my title of this post? I see people who follow my posts, but no one comments, except for 2 at the very start. I feel very sad and lonely about this. I’m feeling like I can’t do anything right. I know deep inside that it’s not true, but the negative self talk is pretty strong right now. That’s a dangerous time for me and has led to a lot of cutting and burning in the past.  I haven’t done anything in about a month, and it’s been hard – what with therapy and lots going on. My plan is to abstain and blogging helps. But does anyone out there actually read my posts? Does anyone relate? Is anybody out there?

 

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9 thoughts on “Is Anybody Out There?

  1. I read. I hope your blogging is therapeutic for you. I don’t often comment because I don’t have any answers, but I can identify with parts of your struggles. On your husband’s music, I hope you can talk to him until he understands what you meant by your comment so hopefully he won’t do the rash thing of giving it up. I’ve been the target of those kinds of words, and the best way to work through it is to talk about the true meaning.

    • Thanks for reading. It is therapeutic. I know no one has the answers. I need to find them in myself, and I’m determined to do so. I don’t want to continue to live in sickness. I was feeling very lonely when I posted. I wrote my husband a long email that I hope will help him understand. Thanks again, Carl. It’s good to know people are out there.

  2. I read. Im sorry that I dont comment more, I just can never find the words I want to say, especially lately. Dont let lack of comments get to you, it doesnt necessarily mean people arent reading.

  3. I’m reading….7 months late though!
    I just found your blog recently and now I’m reading from the beginning so I can get to know you. I just feel a connection. Maybe it’s because we are close in age or have some things in common. (I don’t cut/burn but I’m bulimic).
    I hope you have figured out that you are not responsible for your husband’s choice to stop playing music. (maybe he didn’t stop?)
    It is clearly a painful thing for him and you may have contributed in a TINY way to his pain but something as big as not playing music anymore is clearly mostly sourced in his own pain. I think you did the best you could to try to repair your part by writing the letter to him. It seems like you have a good heart.

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