Waiting by the Phone for the Journey to Begin


I’m suppose to get in an intensive outpatient program. It’s suppose to  carry me through the next couple of months until my family and I move. I’ve called the facility but all the intake lines are busy. So now I’m waiting by the phone. Always waiting. I’m gone next week so I need to know if I should go do the intake assessment tomorrow or wait until I get back. Big question of the day. But it can’t be answered until they call back. So, I sit here and wait by the phone. Each moment making me more anxious. It’s a scary enough action for me to take, without this anticipation of a call and having to explain it all again. Breathe! Breathe. Writing helps. It keeps my hands busy, if not my mind. And if I’m typing, I can’t be cutting or burning. Either of those would bring relief to this anxiety. I’m afraid of opening myself to others. My self-deprecation tells me my issues aren’t as bad as anyone else, so I shouldn’t take up their time. Opening myself to others, being vulnerable, is a trigger for me. It’s kind of a need to show them how much I hurt inside. I never feel that people believe me. Just get up, brush yourself off and get on with life. Wish it were that easy.

Now it’s 5 hours later and the call never came. Not much help to my anxiety about doing this. When I talked to the operator she said that all the lines were busy at intake. Maybe it was a technical problem and not someone neglecting to get back to me. Let’s hope. Anxious enough spending a few hours with my elderly parents. My dad gets aggravated and his voice raises.  It makes me cringe inside and want to get away.  It’s a tone I’ve always reacted to. I had to leave the apartment for a few minutes, until he was done, so I guess I actually took care of myself! I didn’t stay and make myself endure it. Now, tomorrow morning I need to call the program facility again and see what’s up. UGH!!


One thought on “Waiting by the Phone for the Journey to Begin

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s