When my psychologist identified, to me, that I have BPD, she said it was important that I get into a DBT program because it is the most successful in dealing with BPD. The only one in my area has a very good reputation, but couldn’t get me in for 4 months, and I will be moving 2000 miles away at that point. It’s been a challenge to find a program that can help me in the interim. I don’t know if I suffered childhood abuse. What I do know is this: my dad was not often around. My mom loves us very much, but has extreme difficulty in being a nurturing (in word and action) parent. Even now, if I tell her that I love her, she is most likely to say: likewise. It hurts, a lot. But I don’t blame her. It was the way she was raised, by a father who was conservative in action and word, and an immigrant mother who saw her way through life by hard work and sacrifice. My mother has never felt that HER mother accepted her as good enough. So it is understandable that my mother didn’t know how to be nurturing. I don’t blame her, but I desperately needed something that she was/is unable to provide.
I know that this is something I also struggle with in my relationship with my husband. He is not very publicly affectionate, or privately for that matter. Sometimes I desperately feel the need to be held and comforted. He does not understand this. His hug is one armed,even when I want the security of both arms wrapped around me. I know he loves me; he wouldn’t still be with me if he didn’t. But I need something that is outside of his nature to give. Is this what they mean when they say we marry our mother or father? All I can say is “SIGH!!!” Talk about a viscous cycle! But I am determined to find a way through recovery so that my husband and I can still find joy and happiness together. We do love each other. It’s all the other stuff that gets in the way.